The High Road

An intricate series of hoofprints
on the stale lithograph
we’ve come to call home
has bled insignificantly–
but not unnoticeably.

Yes, that’s correct. Hoofprints
have bled just enough
for this observer to comment.

Now, I’m aware that there are countless crackpots
who espouse the virtues of anti-vaxxers and birthers,
and this would be right up their alley.
However, I choose to take the high road.

A wise individual once told me
that the low road is the slipperiest,
because the maintenance people need to mop
more often than on the high one

(they have the kind of smelly chemical
floor cleaner that doesn’t dry as quickly
(and they’re always out of wet floor signs)).


Like Wildfire

Figurine damage indication is just one of the important areas [here at Gareth Laboratories] where I’ve made myself indispensable. I’ve trained 54 associates–and counting–to specialize in the sixteen elements that directly contribute to the continuation of our great institution. I’ve created a simple mnemonic device for them: HOME SMELLS FUNNY P. I’m not very good with anagrams, so that last P is just kind of sticking out there to the side. But that doesn’t matter very much to me, because it serves as a reminder of the absurd penguin amendment to the corporate charter that Lance’s nephew added as a joke (but then ironically caught on like wildfire when I unknowingly passed out invitations to the zoo’s new special penguin house later that afternoon). Coincidences sure are a bitch.

Working the Counter

Grand ideology
rakes tempestuous porcupine failure
across the arena, unconcerned
with the aftermath involved.
Mammal tidings prevent intervention.

Audience opinion shattered,
an elevenfold androgen titan
laps the competition
for the price of a
testosterone meatball sundae,
a similar portion to what you’d get
at Arnie’s when Glen’s working
the counter. Tell him
Jimbo’s dog had puppies,
$1,500 a pop to a good home.

Toadstool Billy – 05:04GMT

I really wish I could use my arms. Oh well…

Toss that fence somewhere else, Toadstool Billy–we don’t mean to harm you at all, honest! We love watching your antics and learning from your sporadic lectures, even if they come bursting into our living rooms in the middle of the night. We understand that your schedule is more nocturnal than ours, so Shelly and I are more than happy to leave a voice recorder in said living room for any extended lecturing you’d like to conduct during our sleep cycles. We really do love learning about your outlook on life, cheery or blustery. Your perspective never ceases to dazzle us with unexplored insight and colorful anecdotes, and we’re grateful to have met you.

Before we forget to ask–have you made any appearances in the neighbors’ houses? If so, have they responded kindly, or have they regarded you as more of a nuisance? We think that most other people on this block really have no appreciation for the supernatural, but we can’t be sure when the only times we interact with our neighbors are during social functions (barbecues, keggers, raves, seances, etc.) where saving face is preferable [and indeed necessary] if we’re to continue living such extraordinarily social lives.

To be honest with you, Shelly and I are very paranoid people in general. We just can’t leave well enough alone.

Sometimes I do miss people.
My foot itches.

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