Fire lit by tonsillitis stalls the candlestick vendor. This is a flame that must be conquered with a knife, non-invasive procedures simply won’t cut it. Go under and collect anesthesia-fueled dreams that won’t be remembered until a moment in another dreaming state (which will also be forgotten until consciousness melds with chaos and uploads all Continue reading CVIII


Picture a rogue squadron of down-filled pencil pushers coordinating a squalid attempt at what they believe to be a most fertile salad dressing, but what we know to be a seasonal jaunt through the woods in search of pine cones shaped like Abe Lincoln. Gettysburg hasn’t been relevant for some time now, but that doesn’t Continue reading CVII


The freeloading, lance tossing, hand jiving, bank robbing, heavy lifting, double dipping, chain smoking, dry heaving and life-living individual spent his time in the service of other people, content to take a backseat to the callous know-it-alls who tossed their rhetoric around the block in bite-sized snippets designed to appease the masses and challenge nobody Continue reading CVI


Today I flattened a screwdriver with only the power of my mind. All I had to do was look at it with the intent to change its physical properties, and BAM, flatter than a doornail (that’s been flattened, that is). In my short time of having this ability–two weeks this Saturday–I’ve flattened objects big and Continue reading CV


Equal parts snickering and jibbering, flouncing and denouncing, partying and Martying and sipping and tipping have led us to this culminating moment, and this revelatory juncture alone will fix us up with the karmic indifference we should inevitably come to view as necessary, should we ever put on roller skates and glide down the lakeshore Continue reading CIV


The eggs of the common jellybird are prized more than those of a stork, ptarmigan or even the elusive sweater-wearing snoot pigeon. You’d think that these eggs would be valued for their culinary value, but they’re practically inedible (more of a collector’s item). So far, over 9,351 different distinct colors of jellybird egg have been Continue reading CIII


The dream of a lifetime stood up for days as the saving grace of my eternal consciousness, even though I couldn’t for the life of me figure out exactly what happened or why a chicken with an alarm clock head hopped straight into an electrified fence and became a bucket of extra crispy from a Continue reading CII


The stalwart lemon scoundrel pimped out his favorite seashell collection for a day of ease at the local confetti merchant’s egregious beach house. Seven gin and tonics and a piña colada graced his lips before the evening was through, and his precious chest of abalone changed hands for the first time in fourteen years. A Continue reading CI


I flew the coop; took on a couple extra feathers under the brim of my cap and another in the loop of my shoelace, passengers on a journey across the Midwest. My foot feather dropped off at the world’s largest ball of twine, satisfied to become a tourist’s quarry. The other two held on for Continue reading C


T: “I’m sick and tired of this situation, constantly running around and spitting out rhetoric at every person I see, able-bodied or otherwise. Who knows, if they can’t perform daring feats on a high wire, that doesn’t mean they don’t know how to recruit that kind of talent.” R: “What the hell are you yammering Continue reading XCIX


Cheech Marin’s “Born in East L.A.” Blares over the PA system, and the nuns—usually solemn, devout in their convent habits—bust moves across the cloisters, moving more freely than they’d ever thought was possible, all thanks to the new, improved, younger (more liberal) mother superior. Once known as a lover of music festivals, head shops and Continue reading XCVIII


Made to nobody’s specifications: one pair of britches sewn by the CFO of a Fortune 500 company while journeying through the Kalahari via camel and drinking nothing but orzo for an entire weekend. There is no price set for this garment, The maker creates pieces during celebratory times and gauges interest for them at animal Continue reading XCVII


Jarvis the penguin can fly like a condor in his dreams— though he’s never seen one— and can’t separate that fantasy from waking life, never once having felt the heat of the Mojave. His vaunted perspective Is ludicrous to all the others since his partner in crime was eaten by a sea lion going about Continue reading XCVI


Take an iguana and toss it at a tree to see if it sticks. If it manages to dig in its claws and clamber up to the canopy, much fortune will come to us in the future. If it digs in its claws and holds that position, we will need to further ponder our next Continue reading XCV


Can you blame me for proceeding with caution? I see no alternative at this time, though might I recommend the steak frites? A lovely dish on Wednesdays—though not so much on Thursdays—that I highly recommend pairing with a Napoleon Complex (gin and vermouth with a splash of Beaujolais). You’ll sometimes miss the intricacies generally held Continue reading XCIV


Inside a silver suit of sun rays perches a cardinal, lean and bright. Nobody’s busted the window just yet; there’s plenty of cold air to stream in once the brick falls into place. Dent the floorboard where it lands, but you don’t even bother to pay, ya punk kid. What do I gotta do here, Continue reading XCIII


Bring up the cheddar spritzer wagonmobile while you’re visiting the international squeegee convention (specifically when you’re in the sprout-laden wing). Surely a conversation of that quality can hold more meaning than all that jazz you keep mentioning. How much jazz could there possibly be, and why should it take precedent over this prestigious American institution? Continue reading XCII


Food. Good grief, all this food. What do I look like, Charlie Brown? Good grief. Actually, scratch the good. Great grief. Grief suitable for the likes of The Great Gatsby. This food causes me so much grief that I will spit it out, 92% unchewed, in the face of the next person I see. No, Continue reading XCI


Tetris mongers sequester greatness behind their bold stares of indifference in the face of the ever-widening disposition that’s associated with glorified females of every genus, towards what good we do not know, though our key musicians tell us there’s a gypsy stalker walking among us. However long they stalk is a question for a time Continue reading XC


As a somewhat absent-minded explorer of the written word, I developed a taste for writing down ideas in small notebooks that typically resided in my back pocket. I’d filled up several of these, left the rest of them mostly unfilled. I tended to review them all from time to time, never quite sure how to Continue reading LXXXIX


Scan through the canopies during our manmade apocalypse and you’ll more than likely find a locust generator spitting out hordes of the motoring insects for just pennies on the dollar. The average (stone age) manual locust scatterer would charge you thousands to get a result this consistently irksome, and there’s no way they’re achieving the Continue reading LXXXVIII


You were informed of the risks before getting on Marshal Dillon. He has a track record of bucking cowpokes, farmhands and tourists like you, a rap sheet as long as your arm. Broken arms, legs, necks, an assortment of deaths. On purpose? Nobody’s been able to ascertain this horse’s motivation; it’s as though the beast Continue reading LXXXVII


Well, tell me something I don’t want to know about the state of our government, and you’re more than likely to get the ram’s horns. You won’t be getting them from me, I don’t have a ram’s horns at my disposal. I’m just saying, the universe has a strange way of balancing itself out. Anyway, Continue reading LXXXVI


Heavenly bodies tend to move past one another on the road to stardom, or so they tell me. When I was a little boy, I saw a couple of heavenly bodies floating across the sky at a measured pace, nothing like the rudimentary flying machines our kind concocted as a way to skip over oceans Continue reading LXXXV


Eddie Caruso broke a bottle over Leo Bonaduce’s head yesterday morning, after a night of imbibing their homemade liquor–sunshine, they call it. Way brighter than the moon, it’ll make you go blind. The two of them had just been sampling the latest batch from the still in the abandoned barn three miles from civilization, when Continue reading LXXXIV


We don’t yet know the extent of the changes soon to be revealed by the League of Pepper Scrapers. So far, as detailed in their latest press release, poblanos are up for a serious upgrade and scotch bonnets will continue their dominance through the end of the quarter. Jalapeños have been noticeably absent in talks, Continue reading LXXXIII


You mustn’t forget the agony plastered on willows in the springtime revolution we call The Footie Pajama Crocus Hauntings; all suppositions lay ahead, flagstones for tiptoeing meekly through the mire of insipid boredom and emerging relatively unscathed, the only damage sustained from a choked-up bat to the sternum, enough to inspire song lyrics lamenting the Continue reading LXXXII


Passenger train #3278 jumps the tracks today at a quarter past five, not satisfied to be a tool for human transportation. “I could be doing so much more with my time,” it thinks to itself, click-clacking across the German countryside and frightening livestock as it goes along. A restless soul, this particular train has nowhere Continue reading LXXXI


There’s something seriously lacking here, a kind of emotional gravitas and certain worldliness that would typically be present in a work of literary merit. Something like an experience, life story, general outlook–really anything to provide a shred of credibility for the reader, to give them their money’s worth. At the end of the day, don’t Continue reading LXXX


What’s our exquisite fate anyway? What are we to have done in order to exclusively call ourselves homebodies? I shall think that there are very few gentlemen who would disagree with my sentiments, and you have nothing to be worried about when it comes to the stakes of our overwhelming jurisdictions. But where’s our stapler? Continue reading LXXIX


Well, not much more to talk about, unless you want to discuss what’s going down in Tampa this weekend. Bakers from seventeen counties in the south, not just Florida, have new recipes to showcase for the conference covering innovations in baking science. The theme of this particular conference is the trinity of blood, sweat and Continue reading LXXVIII


“Superiority killed the possum” is a phrase rarely heard ’round these parts (or any parts), on account of cats being snugglier and more relatable to the average audience. Possums also have no issue staying within themselves, and are inherently humble as they patrol around the city in the hopes of finding a suitable nest for Continue reading LXXVII


Catering to the lionhearted stereotypes all day really makes a sycophant sleepy. All day with the “yes sir” and the “whatever you say” drains even the sturdiest stalwart of a yes man after a few hours. It’s a decent living for as long as you can deal with the emotional trauma that comes along with Continue reading LXXVI


I stuffed a pepper with no intention of eating or serving it, convinced that food inside other food is a sin. Not as big a sin as others, but you can’t just pick and choose the lighter heathen actions and pretend they don’t matter; if it’s a sin, you just don’t do it and that’s Continue reading LXXV


Everything smells like gasoline around here. More accurately, everything smells like a combination of gasoline and tamarind. More accurately, everything smells like gasoline, tamarind and week-old kitchen sponge. More accurate yet, everything smells like gasoline, tamarind, week-old kitchen sponge and Sunday newspapers. You know what? Everything smells exactly the same to me anyway, so all Continue reading LXXIV


What is there to gain in this boardwalk town? Mainly stuffed bears for shooting moving wooden ducks, pigeons, turtles and raccoons–the usual representations of animals that are defenseless against ball bearings fired from close range by two young people who rather fancy themselves to be expert marksmen (if given the chance). Though, in their heart Continue reading LXXII


Just so you know, a limited quantity of burlap satchels has graced our splendid corridor, enough to take a family of six to the Poconos or even Appalachia for a long weekend, with enough room left over for a two-day side trip to wherever they so desire, as long as they don’t need to travel Continue reading LXXI


A smattering of indecisive chatter rings out from the bell tower one fine Winter evening, drowning out the silence normally reserved for a night of much less consequence. For you see, tonight marks the eighth installment of the emperor’s “Don’t Take Anything from My Collection of Gold-Plated Leaves” series. Subjects from across the land have Continue reading LXX


Bungled briefings mar the otherwise immaculate symposium on the births of movements–good and bad–that shape the fabric of humanity, whether we like it or not. The keynote speakers are all on point, but they suffer from the lack of proper introductions, each one needing to compensate for the audience’s initial waning interest. Some choose to Continue reading LXIX


When faced with an eternity of waiting in line at the grand auto parts pavilion, any sane person must conclude that a good book is a valuable commodity in the fight against boredom. Any text will provide images to limit the onslaught of entropy, detailing an almost limitless number of wonders within its pages, marked Continue reading LXVIII


Build up a styrofoam stereotype, the kind that brings opulence to the tiny African schoolchild who just got a new pair of shoes yesterday and chooses to tread lightly for the good of the footwear.