Stern army fandanglers initiate the bizarrest of letterbox rituals as a way to compensate for their minimal internal squawking about where in the hell to buy a caramel macchiato during a Thursday afternoon rush hour—it’s definitely the most congested freeway seen around these parts in quite some time, the rubbernecks all out in force and Continue reading Far-Fetched


Don’t knock the verdict ‘til you’ve read the effervescent love stories of an older gentleman who reminds us all that a lake of justice may only be multiplied by itself as many times as would be appropriate for a spam wrangler embroiled in a cosmic prayer for guidance. And not that we’d have to succumb Continue reading Smidgen


Gordon George’s Estwing Bonanza tweaks recognition, that underrepresented showcase of carnival barkery. At its finest, you’ll see Jeffrey Finito—— attractive man of misery and attentive sham of Mister T—— slaloming down the underweather pass to transfer schmaltz patterns to his underwater dentist’s cauldron collection, one schmutz at a time.

Mission to Distract

Beefy, indeterminate scraps of litter parade around like they have a mission to distract from the vague commissary indiscretions plaguing our unions and, indeed, up-and-coming generation of handicraft hamburglars and overwrought Jangle-Changle Men—— together while they can still stand


Goodman-gambling jam-a-matrons sorting flame-retardant restraint algorithms——with a turkey atop the sundae for maximum flavoring——would be the thing I like to observe on the days when it’s rainy and there aren’t any suitable forms of chocolate pudding lying around on the ground floor with a tambourine satchel hanging from the rafters like a discombobulated raccoon taking Continue reading Algorithms

Chèvre Chaise

It’s become more and more fashionable to sink capital into transforming your obedient pupperoo into a live-action cartoon pooch. Breed is neither here nor there; folks are more concerned with accuracy of likeness than anything else, often times leading to bizarre combinations of aesthetics. What would happen if you were to combine a beagle and Continue reading Chèvre Chaise


The entrance to the dragon’s putty stash still remains more elusive than the eye can even behold, beyond the fine sheen of the monkey cages and dull luster of the eccentric bayonet-wielding sailor whose ship washed ashore fifty years ago. We never heard from him again. Most folks say he died forty-seven years ago– a Continue reading Privy

Show and Tell

Gradual consumerism cost our significant brethren a stalwart choice over the next-best alternative, namely the soda-spelt marsupial syndrome being passed around, not unlike the disgusting rag doll that little Jeanine brought to show and tell, revealing a tad too much for the occasion (everybody ended up with pinkeye– EVERYBODY).

Working the Counter

Grand ideology rakes tempestuous porcupine failure across the arena, unconcerned with the aftermath involved. Mammal tidings prevent intervention. Audience opinion shattered, an elevenfold androgen titan laps the competition for the price of a testosterone meatball sundae, a similar portion to what you’d get at Arnie’s when Glen’s working the counter. Tell him Jimbo’s dog had Continue reading Working the Counter

Breach of Conduct

A walloping armpit extension cord signals a breach of conduct between extended penguin locker scenes. Meanwhile, a trailer of sloppy prejudice leans between a cross-country ski and the entrance to a long-abandoned silver mine, incapable of bettering its situation among the shapes of molten stoicism openly exhibiting themselves through displays deployed by wriggling strings undetectable Continue reading Breach of Conduct


Drinking all the coffee in the world still won’t keep me from passing out like a yellow-bellied stooge wielding a catcher’s mitt much too oversized for his gimpy left hand. Why a catcher’s mitt? Perhaps to shield from the harsh realities of 21st Century American living, or to comment on the perpetual competition bred into Continue reading Wharf

Rush Hour: In Other Words

Exceed humanity’s tangible awareness to approach levels untouchable, invisible, invincible to conventional thought. To miss out on a dimensional occurrence is to watch a bus depart without you during a Friday afternoon rush hour. The urgency folds in on itself, embodied by heavy breaths and huffing impatience. The presence of your inner conscience prevents your Continue reading Rush Hour: In Other Words


Of a subtler ilk, this deer wagon waxes transparent when I lick its foliage in a counterclockwise fashion. Intriguing twist: Trick Smith Limited, world-renowned jackalope dealer, now beckons [VALUED CUSTOMER] to become an exclusive member of its carnage-related festivities!* *Offer not valid in lower Nevada or the Lesser Antilles. The topic of pencil shaving trefoils Continue reading Heretofore

Catch a Break

Carnival phraseology toots the patoots; mustn’t forget to hold the stetson hat apparatus. Something about Colorado’s avocados just doesn’t sit right with me, I reckon. I enjoy a vintage turnkey turpentine just as much as the next fella, but I’ve been charged with so much turquoise scrutiny that I couldn’t possibly catch a break with Continue reading Catch a Break

This Here

Ordinary sanctions wouldn’t apply to the effervescent pigeon toes for too much longer, scrutinizing the woes of foreverpenguins—adept at taking their time when you just want to get a movin’ to the promised land (or at least the land referenced in books of yore). What really must happen is a distancing from tyrants and despots Continue reading This Here

Led to Believe

The bioluminescent bloomenary, a spectacular specimen just discovered in a subterranean cave beneath the land formerly known as Entrenchment Village—since abandoned for Encroachment Peak—is somewhat smooth to stand so tall in such a way, Agnes. We sure have come a long way since the aftermath of those Cleveland fires, and we couldn’t have done it Continue reading Led to Believe


The kids are doing their kidly things again today, just the way they always do (until their hormones start flaring and they become walking orbs of self-pity just wallowing in their existential dross for as long as would be necessary for humans working on that whole enlightenment bit while also losing faith in the authorities Continue reading Name-Dropping

The Bellwether

To the chagrin of the motorbiking penguin-flipper, we carry old prairie weights for a regardless happenstance. Well, regardless, we’re quite unkempt for the situation–the scenario, if we will. But it’s okay, we’re all living some version of this or any other truths, not to be degraded for any reason or purpose. The bellwether, or weather Continue reading The Bellwether

Folksy Ties

Ever more dissatisfactory than the wrought inheritance brought forth by bankruptcy of character, our thoughts of Swiss cheese benevolence really have no bearing on what it means to be a profitable avocado salesman in this neck of the woods. Don’t get me wrong, I have long-espoused numerous methods for informing individuals of their folksy ties Continue reading Folksy Ties

Thanks, Dad

“Parallel entities befit madness, my son. “You should never turn your back on those other dimensions our forward-thinking predecessors have been touting for some time now, or your attention will lose its cosmic importance, the aggregate of local souls gradually easing you out of their observational patterns–though it’s the last thing they would do if Continue reading Thanks, Dad

Waking Lives

Informally wedged between a significant mile of alterations and a limitless power of inventory tallying, my golf ball’s normally-understated carryover floundered briefly–the northern lights had obscured my vision, rendering my lie-finding skills ineffectual on this particular fairway (perhaps I shouldn’t have made a habit of getting in a tight nine after midnight, but free golf Continue reading Waking Lives

Wooden Spoons

Double up the foundation dust, trouble finding lurky lust while wincing under beveled falls; egregious concertina riffs agree with Wes (our father’s postman): the passion never does leave the feet. Snowcapped griffins found asylums rich in iron, poor in aprons. Mythology holds no place in institutions of higher psychology. Where reprimands come for assurance, our Continue reading Wooden Spoons

Very Few Individuals

Untendered through dire circumstance, Felicia done bit the enlarged peregrine bug burrowing under Frenchie’s Bakery on Hydrangea Court, six exits from the McDonald’s on Nash. Myself, I tend to bite the largess of the enraged siren-watchers (from the circuitous balcony-tenders on their vacation from daily toiling in the everglade-type peat bogs in lower Georgia (very Continue reading Very Few Individuals

Phourit Gharl

Triumphance rarely conquers the spirit of the wide-ranging pituitary-minded poltergeist wrangler in his heartiest of times (from the Belgian Riviera to the Spanish beer mines the proletariat sent their kids to one fine Summer evening only to find that mines aren’t as fun as they’re cracked up to be); I find myself drawn toward the Continue reading Phourit Gharl


We are the TOXIC Group: Tastemakers Obligating Xylophones Into Conversation Our meetings typically consist of 30 seconds of clever xylophone-related banter followed by 48 minutes of unbroken claptrappery (occasionally punctuated by a sneeze or self-important cough that reminds folks in the group of their own flimsy mortality). The list of covered topics is indeed long Continue reading (#373)


Perusing the parlor of the Parisian Peruvian consulate wouldn’t be so difficult, were it not for the giant window-washing syndicate purporting to require seven hours a day, every day, to free the egalitarian edifice from smudges and insect remnants that would otherwise mar the immaculate façade and strip its dignity away through a slight uptick Continue reading Parlor

Appetite for the Absurd

Heralded as the Jonestown Network alternative to Stem, the Fruitful Terrier Sitter Extraordinaire, Pango Pango Junction packs quite the wallop when it comes to pure, unadulterated edutainment at a reasonable price. Parked at the intersection of broad leaf swelling and matriarchal patronage, I defy anybody to come away without some kind of interesting new trivia Continue reading Appetite for the Absurd


Chili leaks all over the seat, failing to save itself for a more opportune moment. At times I’ll see that incontinence and laugh, comforted by my own relative regularity. But when the cowbell strikes 10PM and you’re losing your marbles at a steady rate, none of these things matter anymore. All you can do is Continue reading Regime


Enter our eternal and infernal friend, Deflatermouse– careful about the point he makes when scrimmying across the kitchen floor in a fairly affluent suburban subdivision that would otherwise say it’s been treated well by the rodents and mongrels of the world. Only DFM (as the folks in the know have referred to him) gets a Continue reading DFM


A healthy schnitzelfritz is all we would need for a cut-rate Dependence Day on the Frontier of Many Puddings. Ever since the rolling scabies epidemic took its time crossing the Ganges, twelve men have made it their business to carve necklaces from oak stumps as a way of reconnecting with their wood nymph sides while Continue reading Frontier

Done with It

I leapt atop a cereal box then realized it wouldn’t support my weight– I sank into the Cap’n Chocula, lucky to miss scraping my knees on the crunchy saccharine goodness. The issue of scale then presented itself and I burst forth from the cardboard capsule (mysteriously missing the plastic liner recommended by the FDA and Continue reading Done with It