Executive Decision

This particular set of tambourine excruciations lacks the comeuppance factor that my quarry companion would typically dish out. I’m so used to thinking of my submissive bud as “not without its sassy comebacks,” but this time it’s waxing heavily depressive, not even bothering to mount a modest reprisal.

I’ve made the executive decision to leave it to its own devices; I don’t need a triggered sidekick lollygagging around and confusing me more than normal. Such a distraction could undermine the very essence of my oh so lucrative pastime. I’ll just let it take a little time to itself (I’m generous that way) so it may sort out its existential concerns of its own accord–mainly because I just don’t want to be subjected to the ceaseless whining. And when I say whining, I mean good ol’ fashioned day-in day-out grumbling unlike any other you’ve ever seen, the very peak of which generally verging on psychosis.

Boy, I sure do know how to pick ’em. Of all the quarry companions made available to me, I just had to choose the one with the watery puppy dog eyes. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but now I have a flat out martyr on my hands who professes to be a beacon of emotions for its less-gifted brethren of the oft-neglected sedimentary sidekick school. All I want is a cheerful little buddy that I can count on to occasionally get me out of scrapes. Is that too much to ask?



Executive injection happenstances color nothing but the most exquisite C-suite big wigs. Why? ROI. ROI is why. Returning overused ivory is the name of the game, people. Got an old Wurlitzer on its last legs? Sell that sucker to us and we’ll do all the schlepping on your behalf. No need to break your back for a little bread in your bank!

Through our groundbreaking proprietary methods, we repurpose old ivory into clones of the elephants you may have seen parading across the Serengeti even just a few generations ago. You see, our goal is not financially-driven. Imagine that!

What’s our hundred year plan? Glad you asked. We’ve set a roadmap that, if followed properly, will reinvigorate the floundering elephant population while balancing numerous other campaigns dedicated to restoring the myriad of other species that have been intimately linked to our favorite pachyderms for longer than our own species’ rise to prominence (as the cockier members of our ilk would say).

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