Executive injection happenstances color nothing but the most exquisite C-suite big wigs. Why? ROI. ROI is why. Returning overused ivory is the name of the game, people. Got an old Wurlitzer on its last legs? Sell that sucker to us and we’ll do all the schlepping on your behalf. No need to break your back for a little bread in your bank!

Through our groundbreaking proprietary methods, we repurpose old ivory into clones of the elephants you may have seen parading across the Serengeti even just a few generations ago. You see, our goal is not financially-driven. Imagine that!

What’s our hundred year plan? Glad you asked. We’ve set a roadmap that, if followed properly, will reinvigorate the floundering elephant population while balancing numerous other campaigns dedicated to restoring the myriad of other species that have been intimately linked to our favorite pachyderms for longer than our own species’ rise to prominence (as the cockier members of our ilk would say).

Resignation – 01:14GMT

I really wish I could use my arms.

But whatever it may represent to the general populace of what we prefer to call our united nation, I wish to resign as your president and continue living the solitary life on the plains that my early days helped me to appreciate so dearly.

No more shall I don the shackles of the suit and tie, beholden to the waves of indiscriminate power-seekers who knock on my door at all hours while I try to catch a little shut-eye at my desk.

Next on the docket: burning the docket as the sun sets on the old homestead, family and friends bearing witness to my transition over to the final challenge of my life. The public eye will just have to turn the other cheek; I’m not putting myself out there any more. I’m going to live off the land and taste the freedom of anonymity.

When I see a mud puddle, you’d better believe I’m going to roll in it and invite whoever happens to be around to join me in a nature-sanctioned spa treatment. Those elephants are definitely onto something; I’ve never forgotten their influence in my waking life.

My nose is extra itchy right now.