Tag: absurd

Large Woodland Mammals

I won’t steer you
in any specific direction
until you’ve actually tried my cereal.

Just two doses a day
can ward off severe depression,
as evidenced by my friend Smoky over here.

He used to be
an average melancholic bear, but
after an all-cereal regimen, he was bouncing

off the walls
all the time. Granted,
an all-cereal diet will be high in sugar,

but you mustn’t discount
the great benefits just because
of a little weight gain and jitteriness.

Effects of this product
have not been extensively documented
on human subjects, but there is a glut of research

as it pertains
to the treatment of large woodland
mammals (bears, quadrupeds, yetis, etc.).

By the Needle’s Edge

Inheriting the winds
of travel – to many arenas,
more than our fair share –
breathes legacies
into stagnant patches
of ordinary air.

The threat comes
from threading gusts
by the needle’s edge
just long enough
to get a proper bearing.

We will soar overseas
if our math is correct,
and don’t ask
what will happen
if it isn’t.

The Hendersons

We have to bring with us
a time that smells like
the grand representation
of polychromatic measures

for any and all underachieving
squirrel mongers we’ve come
to know and love. Some things

are better left unexplained
by our grand cynics, and I’ll
need you to take the kids
for a walk before bedtime.

If you could scrape a few
dollars together to get
some ice cream, that would go

a long way toward pleasing
our benevolent overlords
(the Hendersons).

Deaths of Local Canaries

It’s laughable how many
times I’ve had to warn
our prospector friends
about the deaths of local canaries.

It seems like at least
three times a week
is the going rate around here,
and they still haven’t picked up the hint.

They just keep spelunking
into those mine shafts as though
they have nothing to lose.
Honestly, who values shiny rocks that much?

You’re going to lose your life
on the hunch that you could
strike it rich? I’d rather
take my chances in an electrical storm.

A Basket of Biscuits

If you think bribing an official
with foodstuffs is something
you’d like to attempt,
I’ll have no part in it.

You know that greasing
the wheels of justice
can lead to a runaway
freight train, don’t you?

I brought the mayor
a basket of biscuits
one time, only to see his mouth
snarl up in a frown (he’s
allergic to buttermilk, turns out).

True Chocolate Admiration

Just because a person looks like me doesn’t mean that they make chocolate the way I do. This is serious business here, I can’t have false chocolatiers parading around my territory unless they’re willing to fight for what they love. Usually they fold right when I confront them about their lack of true chocolate admiration, but every once in a while I get a sucker who decides it’s worth their time to embarrass themselves in front of the whole neighborhood as I make the perfect fondant right under their nose. I never let those losers sample my creations.

A Faithful Fonz

I’ll heave a hefty bag at the situation
and tell my dentist that I really don’t want
anything to do with these Fonzie imitators anymore.

They’re all so obsessed with having
a good time and donning leather jackets
that I’m just getting sick of it all!

How tired a custom is this, where you’re reduced
to spouting cliché catchphrases at gunpoint?
Remember when you took that loan from the mafia,

and they told you that they would be expecting
a favor in return some day? Well, your bell’s been rung,
buddy. All you can do now is pray that you get

in touch with Henry Winkler, for the purpose of
delivering a faithful Fonz to your brutal overlords.
I mean, otherwise, they might end up breaking
your fingers and toes. I wouldn’t consider that
situation to be 100% ideal, would you?