Good for you, coming out of that coma so soon. We’re glad to have you back! Now, you’ve been out of commission since three Fridays ago. Do you want to be updated about that time, or are you the type who wants to find out about the past fortnight and change on your own? How about some friendship updates– you can’t find those on the internet so readily, because we now prefer not to use social media as a whole. It’s been lovely so far. We’re nine days removed from when we decided as a group to cease all digital interactions in favor of real ones, as a tribute to you, actually. We logged out of the virtual rat race just like you, buddy.
The Whole Kit ‘n’ Caboodle
Over Under
A fellow put on
an undershirt
under an overshirt
under an overcoat,
as he saw it would be
overcast all day.
Whether or not
he went overboard
or undersold his need
for more garments
is yet to be seen,
but his overall
choice of attire
seems fitting.
Slithering
Slithering down the steps of a cathedral like an uncouth serpent between the twelfth and the fifteenth of the month really takes a lot out of a person, especially when coupled with a lack of muffins (or even the basic implements for making those unhealthy breakfast treats). A half-hour of slithering up and down steps, cathedral or otherwise, is all it takes for exhaustion to kick in. Anyone who’s gone that far understands the amount of caloric intake necessary to fuel movement so close to the ground, and more experienced slitherers often have a bag of trail mix on their person for such excursions.
Unaware
A stoic German Shepherd
surveys its land,
unaware that its ancestors
once had actual sheep
to lead around.
It has an unquenchable
need for organization,
which it unleashes
on the people in its life
as often as possible
(especially the little ones
who would rather
run around aimlessly,
completely devoid of guidance).
According to Some Religions
Who even answers
to the grand hierarchy
these days anyway?
There’s no logical conclusion
to be made regarding those toadstools
and where they rank
on the totem pole of natural phenomena,
they simply exist
for a purpose that’s unknown
to all but one (according to some religions).
Robber
Whittling away the time, a robber thinks to himself, “Well, it’s now or never, and I don’t like the likes of never.” He gets into a crouch, just ready to pounce on his unsuspecting victim. Then he waits (and waits and waits) until the waiting just becomes too much to bear and he relaxes his muscles (they were starting to atrophy). Just then, a pigeon flits by, brought over by the half-eaten bagel lying on the sidewalk. “WHAAT. Oh Jeez, a pigeon. I freak out too easily.” The robber doesn’t seem to understand that no people will pass this way any time soon, as this is a particularly desolate part of town. All the waiting will make him hungry, so he packed himself a lunch. No self-respecting robber these days would go to work on an empty stomach, that’s just irresponsible.
Engage
I recently had a diabolical plan
to deflect all arguments waged at me
with terse and witty comebacks,
but nobody would engage with me.
I looked up and down for someone
with whom to pick a fight, but
everybody was either listening to headphones,
transfixed on their phone,
or exhibiting a combination of the two.
The only person I found who wanted to talk
was a homeless fellow who kept going on
about how the KKK was behind 9/11.
That really took the wind out of my sails.
WHARVED 