Month: March 2013

You Better Believe It

Bent twiggy licking finger midgets hover tomorrow, but not when the ice cream truck stalls on the corner. Never when the ice cream truck stalls on the corner.

But you know the time has blossomed when those rats reach out for their most, you know that time has blossomed.

Rugs roll themselves into Lake Superior, Lake Superior frowns upon them. Under the toe of a mighty Joe Stallion, we roll through our river walk with a mischievous grin, mischievous grin.

Cringe and throttle that barrel-necked orphan cherry.
Cringe and throttle that barrel-necked orphan cherry.

Foliage

What the hell is all this foliage doing on my part of the lawn? You didn’t understand our agreement, Fred. I specifically stated in our last town-hall meeting, and I quote: “Fred’s shrubs are a major pain in the ass and I’m going to chop them down with my blunt, rusty hatchet”. I mean what I said, Fred. You’ll find, if you haven’t already, that I am a man of my word. Now I’ll ask you one more time, just as nice as before, to banish your plants from my premises. It’s a request so simple that a chimp could comply.

Go do it yourself, college boy.

Grapefruit–Laughing

Enrage. N rage.
Roast the hidden extrovert.

Suspended below the tight rope walker,
a four-pound grapefruit–laughing.

Not for its countrymen, not for its love.
Not for its bulbousness.

For its deceptiveness and strange bitterness.

You’re A Funny Kid, Kid

Ï€: You’re a funny kid, kid.

ø: You’re a funny kid, kid.

Ï€: Stop copying me.

ø: Stop copying me.

Ï€: I’ll stop copying you if you tell me your favorite song.

ø: Yellow Submarine.

Ï€: Yellow Submarine.

ø: Stop copying me.

Ï€: Stop copying me.

Turmeric Is My Favorite Spice

§: Turmeric is my favorite spice.

ª: That’s lovely. Can I have my coffee now?

My Hamster Ball Will Not Interfere

©: However you may approach this situation, I assure you my hamster ball will not interfere.

ß: Yeah, I’ve heard that before. Never with a hamster ball, but the scenario has definitely presented itself in one form or another over the years.

©: Like what? Emotional distress?

ß: Occasionally. It has also manifested itself as hypochondria, rabies, testicular cancer, octopus ink, test-tube babies (twice), and a whole slew of times I was told that granola bars were none of my business.

©: Wow, that’s harsh. Granola bars should be everybody’s business.

ß: Yeah, I quit that job after two weeks.

Tell Me You’ve Got Something Better Than That

Tell me you’ve got something better than that.
You don’t?

Well, what do I have to do to furnish this apartment?
You’re turning my Sunday into a joke.
Don’t you understand the necessity of professional moving companies?

No, don’t give me that. These guys are bush league.
A mover in his prime has six years in the minors under his belt
before he so much as touches a corrugated box.

No, forget it. Do you see how Blue Cap Guy over here lifts with his back?
Bush league.