B: Tell me, sheriff, have you an appetite for macaroni?
C: Well no, not particularly. Why do you ask?
B: I was simply operating on a hunch. Do you ever find the idea of macaroni to be appealing?
C: Well, I suppose I do on occasion, though never enough to amount to making myself a batch.
B: What would you say if I were to tell you that there’s a five-gallon vat of macaroni and cheese behind this red velvet curtain?
C: I would tell you that you are surely lying, for that curtain is purple, and appears to be made of a cheaper material than velvet.
B: Those are all semantics, sheriff. Answer my question.
C: Fine, I would say you’re nuts to have wasted that much time making so much pasta, and it probably doesn’t even taste good.
B: Oh sheriff, you are quite wrong. This pasta is the most exquisite and lovingly crafted dish I have ever made.
C: Really son? Well, in that case, I’m intrigued. May I taste your recipe? It’s not often that something like this happens on my beat at 1 am.
B: Yes of course, but you must provide your own spoon.
C: Why would I have a spoon? I’m a beat cop looking for suspicious activity in a dangerous neighborhood on what is usually one of the most crime-ridden nights of the year. I’m surprised at the lull in activity, honestly. Anyway, I have no spoon. Is the deal off?
B: No, of course not. You may use your hands. Or, if you feel creative, you may use your nightstick or your pistol.
C: I’d better go with the nightstick. All right son, let me see that vat of macaroni!
B: Okay, just let me pull on this tasseled rope to part the curtains. Voila! A vat of macaroni the size of a potbelly stove!
C: Mm, consistency is pleasant, temperature is just right. There seems to be something unrecognizable in the sauce. I am by no means a gourmet, but I think you used an exotic ingredient of some kind. In any case, I quite enjoy this dish. Thank you for sharing!
B: The pleasure is all mine, sheriff. Now would you like to pay me the three thousand dollars now or in installments?
C: Uh, excuse me? Three thousand dollars? How on earth did you come up with that exorbitant number, and how could you dare to charge a man in uniform with a pistol and a pair of handcuffs on his belt?
B: It’s no problem, sheriff, I was only joking. I’ll be on my way with my dish. Lucky I installed these casters on the bottom of the platform, so the whole thing can roll away like a cloud. Have a great night, sheriff!
C: Wait son, can I have another taste of that macaroni? It was so good, and I just thought that since you have five gallons of it, one more bite wouldn’t-
B:I’m sorry sheriff, but your first bite was the only freebie. What kind of cash do you have on you?
C: Well, I have a twenty and a couple of fives.
B: Thirty bucks, huh? All right, I’ll give you a man-in-uniform discount. But just this once, you hear me?
C: Yeah yeah, but this time I’m going to use my hands and scoop a bowlful to get my money’s worth.
B: Smart man, using that discount wisely. Tell me, sheriff, how do you intend to stop crime with your hands full of macaroni?
C: I never thought of that, honestly, but I should be finished with it before long.
B: How long does it take to commit a murder?
C: Well, if you’re good it takes no more than a few seconds.
B: So what if someone went off on a murderous rampage while you were loafing around eating macaroni and cheese? How would that reflect upon your badge?
C: I’m banking on the fact that such a terrible occurrence will not happen in the immediate future while I’m savoring this dish. By the way, can you tell me your secret ingredient? I promise I won’t tell anyone.
B: Well, I hate to sound corny, but the secret ingredient is love. Love mixed with LSD and a pint of heroin.
C: Love and LSD and heroin, eh? …
B: Yes sir, top of the line. How are you feeling?
C: I take from the mouth of the innocent the gaping flange of superior intellect and betray the senses to no end.
B: I see it’s kicking in.
WHARVED 