Slithering down the steps of a cathedral like an uncouth serpent between the twelfth and the fifteenth of the month really takes a lot out of a person, especially when coupled with a lack of muffins (or even the basic implements for making those unhealthy breakfast treats). A half-hour of slithering up and down steps, cathedral or otherwise, is all it takes for exhaustion to kick in. Anyone who’s gone that far understands the amount of caloric intake necessary to fuel movement so close to the ground, and more experienced slitherers often have a bag of trail mix on their person for such excursions.
The Whole Kit ‘n’ Caboodle
Unaware
A stoic German Shepherd
surveys its land,
unaware that its ancestors
once had actual sheep
to lead around.
It has an unquenchable
need for organization,
which it unleashes
on the people in its life
as often as possible
(especially the little ones
who would rather
run around aimlessly,
completely devoid of guidance).
According to Some Religions
Who even answers
to the grand hierarchy
these days anyway?
There’s no logical conclusion
to be made regarding those toadstools
and where they rank
on the totem pole of natural phenomena,
they simply exist
for a purpose that’s unknown
to all but one (according to some religions).
Robber
Whittling away the time, a robber thinks to himself, “Well, it’s now or never, and I don’t like the likes of never.” He gets into a crouch, just ready to pounce on his unsuspecting victim. Then he waits (and waits and waits) until the waiting just becomes too much to bear and he relaxes his muscles (they were starting to atrophy). Just then, a pigeon flits by, brought over by the half-eaten bagel lying on the sidewalk. “WHAAT. Oh Jeez, a pigeon. I freak out too easily.” The robber doesn’t seem to understand that no people will pass this way any time soon, as this is a particularly desolate part of town. All the waiting will make him hungry, so he packed himself a lunch. No self-respecting robber these days would go to work on an empty stomach, that’s just irresponsible.
Engage
I recently had a diabolical plan
to deflect all arguments waged at me
with terse and witty comebacks,
but nobody would engage with me.
I looked up and down for someone
with whom to pick a fight, but
everybody was either listening to headphones,
transfixed on their phone,
or exhibiting a combination of the two.
The only person I found who wanted to talk
was a homeless fellow who kept going on
about how the KKK was behind 9/11.
That really took the wind out of my sails.
Lagging Behind
This tree doesn’t know what it’s doing. All the other trees around it already have their leaves; this one is seriously lagging behind. Maybe if I talk soothingly to it, I can help facilitate leaf growth. I’ll come back here soon with some friends and a picnic basket, play some Vivaldi, engage in stimulating conversation and occasionally hug its trunk with loving care, cooing sweet nothings into the knothole that could easily be interpreted as an ear.
Blimp
A blimp (we’ll call it Harold) holds steady at 2,000 feet, the people within its underside capturing aerial video of a baseball game. Harold is so used to this kind of gig that it often takes its mind off the mundane goings-on. Right now it’s wondering if it can learn to play the sax, or, more accurately, if a sax can be made to accommodate the average blimp. Harold surmises, as usual, that no human will pick up on its desire to be a jazz musician. Harold has once again reached the conclusion that blimps and people simply operate on different wavelengths.
WHARVED 