“By gum, Fanny Mae! Where’d you get that?”
“What, this fanny pack full of chewing gum?”
The Whole Kit ‘n’ Caboodle
Apostrophe Bells
Bring it on from dusk ’til dawn;
we rendezvous at the stellar transmission.
Kindly, full-hearted apostrophe bells
understate global warmth, ever warming.
Hold us accountable, creative director–
we can always see where we went wrong.
Swimming up through our old molasses pits,
It’s time to kick those habits with a steel-toed boot.
Glue
“It’s a great part! How many times do I have to tell you? The fact that you’re not listening only aggravates my rage. Will you take off your headphones? Hello?! Hey, these things are stuck to your head! Did you glue them on? Are you so spiteful and petty as to purposefully ruin a perfectly good pair of headphones just to avoid listening to me? What if I had to tell you something really important, huh? What if I were telling you that I’m pregnant?!”
“Are you?”
“What, pregnant? That’s none of your business anyway. Hey, don’t tune me out! I can see your eyes glazing over!”
Jump Through – Feb. 1, 2013
Hews
“It all stems from my fear of oranges.”
“Oranges as in the fruit, or oranges as in the hues?”
“Don’t even get me started on Hughs. I have a cousin named Hugh who puts his feet in suitcases six times a day. Try to figure that one out.”
“I meant hues as in… never mind. Suitcases? Does he travel a lot?”
“Wow, what an insightful question.”
Herald
Too many lolligagging pricks sitting around drinking tea and charming snakes from baskets. Everywhere you look, reptiles succumb to the suggestive power of complacent know-it-alls.
Am I going to have to be the one to stop it? You’re cowards, all of you. Oh, so some snakes are poisonous? Some lazy fools might have a violent edge? Boo hoo; that’s the way of the world, people.
Whatever happened to suggesting alternative pastimes? Clearly these serpent-loving lumps are just looking for attention in the least difficult way, and voila, they’ve got it. A full-page spread in the Herald, for Christ’s sake. Good thing nobody reads the paper anymore.
Entrance Exam
The tollway ground its feet in muck today
to boost a no good scoundrel past the cops.
But why, you ask? Make law enforcement try.
They have to nab their man, finger their perp,
throw the book at him, put him in the clink,
throw away the key, take away his stuff,
serve him all his meals, make him break some rocks,
tell him he’s no good, beat him if he’s smart.
The justice system sits around and gloats;
they’ve got old Uncle Sam behind their cause.
Gruff and angry, aftershave aplenty.
WHARVED 