The Whole Kit ‘n’ Caboodle

Primed for a gravy stain, my shirt just sat on my torso like it actually wanted to lose its integrity as an unsullied fashion statement. I didn’t notice at the time, but this shirt had been begging for a distinguishing feature ever since I bought it. I recall a close shave with some bleach that nearly poured into the washing machine and ruined every stitch of dark-colored clothing I had, but I was able to smack the bottle away before it could do any damage (at least to the clothes). Ever since then (and this is all in retrospect, as I had no idea of my shirt’s intentions until just a few seconds ago), I’ve felt this primal urge to drip something damning on myself when at the dinner table (or better yet, while eating a precariously-perched meal on my favorite recliner), rendering this once-generic garment wholeheartedly unique by virtue of an unprecedented stain motif.

I fell into a cavern, though it felt more like a basic crevice than anything. Aside from my personal interpretation, this cavern presented an imminent threat to my balance as I tumbled through its mouth (thankfully wearing elbow pads). I knew, right then and there, that it would be at least seven or eight seconds before I could right myself and take a look at my various bodily injuries (thankfully none on my elbows). I looked at my watch as I continued to fall, timing my perception and seeing just how accurate my prediction would turn out. After nine seconds of continual falling, I gave up on my short-sighted dream of becoming a soothsayer and let gravity take its toll.

Rate this scenario on a scale of one to pineapple: Aunt Johnny gallops into the backyard with a mop on her head in place of what most people would expect to be a wig. As this mop is still dripping from the last time it was used to clean floors, it’s quite obvious that Aunt Johnny was desperate for a head covering and had nowhere to turn but the local elementary school’s janitor’s closet (pardon me, custodial office). Aunt Johnny is oblivious to such critical social missteps, and chooses to ignore the stares as she streaks through the residential neighborhood. Everyone in a three-block radius can smell a particularly enchanting combination of bleach and pine-scented floor cleaner, though only 19% of said sniffers will ever understand why this aroma wafted past them.

Night mobilizes day into a frenzy of regret to be conquered with tedious labor for the sole purpose of initiating the guilt sequence in individuals who would otherwise have the common decency to leave well enough alone and prepare a simple meal for a small group of friends and discuss the nature of their lives up to that point (hoping to uncover latent similarities and conjure visions of what friendship may produce in an ideal world).