Aidan Badinger

The Overwhelming Supposition

The overwhelming supposition stands as an indefinite struggle, though melodrama does nobody any good these days, save a few entertaining blips of stifled criticism met by indolent sarcasm and meaningless banter.

Is this the vast majority? I feel isolated by my critical thoughts; is there any use for constructive negativity anymore anyway? Seems most folks take personal offense, as though my evaluation were made to cause harm without offering a solution. Even if I weren’t to pony up a suggestion, would it be my place to exert my will and skill upon these hypothetical sad sacks? It really depends upon the level at which they operate in their daily existence.

The moral of the story is: never try.

Pack

“By gum, Fanny Mae! Where’d you get that?”

“What, this fanny pack full of chewing gum?”

Apostrophe Bells

Bring it on from dusk ’til dawn;
we rendezvous at the stellar transmission.

Kindly, full-hearted apostrophe bells
understate global warmth, ever warming.

Hold us accountable, creative director–
we can always see where we went wrong.

Swimming up through our old molasses pits,
It’s time to kick those habits with a steel-toed boot.

Glue

“It’s a great part! How many times do I have to tell you? The fact that you’re not listening only aggravates my rage. Will you take off your headphones? Hello?! Hey, these things are stuck to your head! Did you glue them on? Are you so spiteful and petty as to purposefully ruin a perfectly good pair of headphones just to avoid listening to me? What if I had to tell you something really important, huh? What if I were telling you that I’m pregnant?!”

“Are you?”

“What, pregnant? That’s none of your business anyway. Hey, don’t tune me out! I can see your eyes glazing over!”

Jump Through – Feb. 1, 2013

Hews

“It all stems from my fear of oranges.”

“Oranges as in the fruit, or oranges as in the hues?”

“Don’t even get me started on Hughs. I have a cousin named Hugh who puts his feet in suitcases six times a day. Try to figure that one out.”

“I meant hues as in… never mind. Suitcases? Does he travel a lot?”

“Wow, what an insightful question.”

Herald

Too many lolligagging pricks sitting around drinking tea and charming snakes from baskets. Everywhere you look, reptiles succumb to the suggestive power of complacent know-it-alls.

Am I going to have to be the one to stop it? You’re cowards, all of you. Oh, so some snakes are poisonous? Some lazy fools might have a violent edge? Boo hoo; that’s the way of the world, people.

Whatever happened to suggesting alternative pastimes? Clearly these serpent-loving lumps are just looking for attention in the least difficult way, and voila, they’ve got it. A full-page spread in the Herald, for Christ’s sake. Good thing nobody reads the paper anymore.