Tag: absurd

Your Life’s Comfort

Half off everything in the store
is what you told me, and that’s
what I expect from this event.

Either you don’t understand me
or you want me to do something
that will compromise your life’s comfort.

What does that mean, you ask?
Well, I could do any number of things, really.
I could take a station wagon and park it
outside your house, blaring the horn
for six hours straight.

Sure, the neighbors would complain,
but the cops wouldn’t do anything about it.
You see, I’m a friend to law enforcement,
and when I tell them that you pulled
a bait and switch, they’ll let me blow that horn
all night long if I want to.

Politically Correct Time

I’m tethered to this
tomato-making harlequin,
as though I deserve
this form of punishment.

I didn’t even do anything
other than invent
my own form of potato masher.
What’s wrong with innovating

a new design
for starch delivery?
I think this government
has really got to get a grip
on itself and forget the politics

that brought us
to such a politically correct time.
Next thing you know, someone’s
going to be making cracks

about the Great Potato Famine
and drinking pints of Irish whiskey
as they stammer all over the floor,
filibustering for as long
as they can stand upright.

Gliding in Surrender

I dealt with the beltway
on my own terms, and it took
to the sky as does
a bird of grand proportions

(though not so grand as to
impede flight), streaking
across the blue hazards
on a trip to its Winter home
away from home, gliding
in surrender to the updrafts
and balmy climes to come.

Under the Roots

Never get an arrogant person
in your headlights, or you’ll
be looking at some mean times
ahead of you. Scarcity and heavy
lumbering grizzly bears will find you
before long, and several elves
will beckon you to their tree hideaway.

They’ve dug out an apartment complex
under the roots, with accommodations
befitting a first-rate journalist
on a business trip. You won’t mind
going down there, but you’ll wonder
when you can come back out.

Surprisingly Slick

Space the Johnny Bill Landscaping Company,
we have no need for such expenditures
at this time anyway. Just leave them
on the curb, someone will pick them up eventually.

Help me out with this leather one,
they’re surprisingly slick. There,
up on the bed (queen size).
Thanks, let me buy you a deer.

Attention Hogs

Twittering smitters
done tapped out
onto my tarmac

while I had
the marbles cooling
and the pink daffodils
yearning for something
like the Sun (though
the Moon would
have to suffice).

They’re just sitting there
like a bunch of lawn
ornaments, like I’m supposed
to gawp at them and guffaw
in awe. You can forget it,

I won’t even
let them know
that I know
they’re here.
Attention hogs.

I’ll Take Southwest

The esophagus is lined
with grape gelatin dessert,
not without floating grapes.

We need to eat our way
down to the stomach,
which is a bubbling lime concoction.

Once there, we’ll split up
into quadrants and begin our work.

I’ll take southwest, you three
duke it out amongst yourselves.