So as a gator takes your wheels from you, don’t be meek. Stand up to the reptile and reclaim what is yours. You have no need to fear a jaw and teeth, they can do nothing but crush your bones and extinguish the life force from your body.
The Whole Kit ‘n’ Caboodle
Hollywood Jim and Sparkly Sam Drive to the Disco
The two friends walked up to the club’s front door, only to find a notice that read:
Hello, would-be disco-goers. Disco Grande has had to close its doors due to a draining interest in the culture. We are sorry for the inconvenience, and would like to offer you a complimentary condom. Please take only one from the bowl, as we’re operating on the honor system.
God bless–
Jamie Bliss
Former Owner of Disco Grande (the #1 dance club in the tri-county area for three years straight)
May 19, 1980
Upon reading the note, both Jim and Sam were obviously crestfallen. They looked around for a bowl of condoms, but didn’t see anything even remotely resembling one. Jim turned to Sam.
“Cheap bastards ran outta condoms.”
Sam’s jaw dropped in an interesting combination of surprise and amusement. “You being serious? That note’s from 33 years ago.”
Jim was unfazed by his friend’s arithmetic. “Nice math there Sam, but where’s the bowl?”
“Who gives a shit about some bowl? Someone probably took it like 25 years ago.”
Jim’s countenance grew weary. “I guess I wasn’t the first person to think about taking it.”
So Hollywood Jim and Sparkly Sam walked back to the parking lot, empty aside from Sam’s sedan.
“What do you want to do now?” Sam asked.
“Find that bowl?”
Whacking Weeds
Over the weekend, I whacked the weeds that had grown between the paver stones. These were the toughest weeds in the entire yard, and I felt terrible about beheading them. They didn’t do anything to me, aside from grow in an unfortunate space.
When I was finished, I began to sweep up the aftermath and saw an inch-long beetle lying on its back, dead. What attracted my attention to the insect was the pair of shiny flies checking out the scene of the crime. I had to look away, as large bugs (let alone dead ones) unnerve me.
I kept at the task of sweeping and threw away the yard waste. I went back over to the beetle to find ants walking all around it. It was at that precise moment that I thought to myself:
“These flies and ants must be confused about how such an enormous insect could meet such a sudden and violent end. This was an armored and seemingly-indestructible behemoth that had just walked among them a few minutes ago. Do they understand that there are greater forces around them that make their lives seem insignificant?”
Then I compared the insects to humans, and my brain nearly exploded.
Ans-tray Ate-lay Iss-they 2
Her woeful wiles fell short, well well.
Considering the impish nature
taken by a broad swath
of otherwise integral humans,
I would go as far as to say
that our consciousness guides us
to the clock of chance that spins
under porridge bowls
while Goldilocks tests her meal.
Translation: Her attempt at seduction with a pitiful approach blew up in her face. Well well. Considering that a lot of good people do a lot of crappy stuff, I would say that we need to take our own risks.
Ans-tray Ate-lay Iss-they 1
Tugboat Annie never left the dock that day.
It wasn’t the weather,
wasn’t the guns,
wasn’t the tightness of the women’s jeans.
No. It was that punching notion of a place
unrestricted by law and by God,
open and bare, a glassy existence.
Translation: The tugboat did not leave the dock for the usual reasons (weather, violence, sex). No. It was actually just overwhelming to be in the ocean.
Well, Yeah V
For what you would say is your livelihood, you seem to be pretty dead. Maybe take up a hobby or two? I’m just a backseat critic, I can’t be bothered with no nonsense, mister. Do I make myself clear? I certainly would hope so, for your sake.
Well, Yeah IV
Well. What a lovely surprise tonight, Percy. You didn’t think I’d notice the polish on the floor, but you were wrong. Oh Percy, what a lovely polish. Now if only you would use the same stuff on my leather shoes. Ha. Ha ha. Ha.
WHARVED 