The Whole Kit ‘n’ Caboodle

It happens
all the time, sugar pie.

Everything we do
on this planet
has some purpose, honey.

We can’t just assume
that we’re on a wet rock
being flung
across an infinite void
for nothing, sweetie buns.

Too many people bring the latter for a lift, ya see. They hear the first choice and give out their whoops for as long as they see fit (or however long the applause sign stays lit), only to lose their shit when they see that second prize. Never in their lives had they before witnessed the majesty and unlimited pleasure that they could derive from a 2013 Honda Civic.

Seek a professional consultation
if you’ve recently become exposed to cynicism,
as effects can be immediate.

Long-term results have yet to be obtained
by our experiment, yet our current level of
research in the subject exceeds anything
we could have possibly expected
at the outset
of this
excruciating six-week journey full of paperwork
and less common sense than a hippo’s molars.

Pull it together, figure out the paint chips for the cabinets later! We have to get the hell outta here if we’re gonna make that game in time. Did you want to wait in line for a half-hour just to get a seven dollar beer?! Why do you always drag your feet on Fridays? You’re a huge pain in the ass. You’re lucky I’d get fired if I beat you the way you deserve to be beaten.

Butter up the skillet, home fry.

You can’t?
Oh, that’s right,
I already cooked you.

Ouch.
You must be feeling salty.

What can we even call valuable these days? Not money, that’s for GOT DANG sure. Something far away and winking at us. It doesn’t want us to know it has a glass eye. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

Remember the Christmas party back in ’97?

Hysterical.

Find a kindred spirit,
fill it up with gopher planters,
Tell your friend that you’ll go strand ‘er,
Nothing much to fear, it.

What’s your motive, buddy?
Got a bindle on your shoulder,
I saw you sleepin’ on that boulder.
Look a little muddy.

I just want to see right here
what gopher planters do to you.
You might develop love for shoes
or burning in the ears.