Category: Numbered

Accept that few–if any–neon python boots fit as well as they claim on the box, “100% natural, perfect fit for all feet involved.” Claiming that to be a bold-faced lie would be inaccurate; they used a font of standard weight, understating the severity of their exaggeration. Be fair in your assessment and remember that one-size-fits-all technology has yet to grace the footwear sector, and statements to the contrary can only heighten suspicion.

Forever–forever and a day–waits the slow-witted, laughing blue jay, sitting on a pole and grinning from ear to ear in the way only a blue jay can. It surveys the land below its narrow perch, all of which is enveloped in freshly-erupted lava that threatens to eat at the pole–were it not for the forcefield protecting the bird and everything it touches. As everything on the ground ignites, not a single cry for help can be heard. In fact, people are sloshing right through the scalding orange soup without so much as a peep. Be they devils, wolves in sheep’s clothing? Do they revel in pain and dare anyone else to take the plunge? The bluejay dives to the surface and feels no heat, just pressure to get back on the pole, away from those two-legged beasts who put it there.

Soup shouldn’t be hard to come by these days, but we all know it’s sometimes quite difficult to get a ladle and a dollop (of sour cream, usually). That’s why we’re starting the Soup for the Group Foundation, to provide adequate nutrition in hearty liquid form. What are we looking to accomplish? To be honest with you, we’re not so sure of ourselves at this juncture, but we know that providing food is one of the noblest callings. We’re hoping that one day we can rest upon our laurels, masters of our universe, sipping brandy and smoking horse-killing cigars while our manservants massage our feet and ankles–especially ankles.

The minor inconvenience here is the loss of Davis’s colostomy bag. It’s not like there are so many locations where we could have misplaced it. We only went from the house to church, then to the breakfast place, then over to the drugstore. From there, we decided to make a quick visit to the county fair for some fried butter, picked up the dry cleaning, popped into the electronics store for some hearing aid batteries and went to the park for a quick squirrel-feeding session. Oh, and there was the aquarium, WWII Memorial, Vietnam Memorial, community theater (Godspell) and miniature golf. We shouldn’t have much trouble finding it.

Sound off on the state of public housing,
whenever you’re ready. Okay,
I’ll get started. There are way too many
parrots and parakeets in these apartment buildings,
and most of them are going to outlive
their owners. Unless there’s a next of kin
or lifelong friend whose heart is big enough
to take care of their deceased loved one’s pet,
these verbose, colorful winged pets
will have to fend for themselves, something
they’d rather not do–or rather can’t do
because they’ve never been in the wild or even
outside the four walls of their modern prison box.

No time for minimalist distractions,
we need to get to the heart of the matter here.
There’s too much cheese on the train tracks,
and I worry that the next passing train
won’t even know what kind of slop
they’ll be tracking on their wheels.

Sure, it’ll probably wear off
after a few hundred yards, but
the claim of having 100%
cheeseless tracks and wheels
will fall on deaf ears–assuming
that this whole affair is disseminated
widely on social media, which
I’ll be happy to do for the sake of
train passengers and track managers everywhere.

But what of the significant boon
to our lovely colleagues across the channel?
I’d love to see what they’re doing
with the seventeen dollars we wired them
for incidentals in case they lose power
in a freak hailstorm. I hope they didn’t
go spend it on a lavish lunch of tunafish
and avocado, as I most likely would.
Even roast beef could cost a pretty penny
these days, and no emergency fund
is safe anymore from the clutches
of middle class midday cuisine.