PLEASE DO NOT TRY ON THE FLOOR MODELS!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION! :)
-MANAGEMENT

I apologize, but I’m simply unable to consider purchasing this hat before trying it on to see how it frames my face. Look, Darryl–can I call you Darryl? Oh, it’s Steve? My mistake. Listen, Steve. I know what you’re thinking. I’m not really that kind of guy. Man to man, I personally would have no issue letting that floor model policy slide, but I have certain principles to uphold in front of my son, and smart shopping is right up at the top of that list.

I promised my wife from jump street that I would be an equal partner in upholding certain principles in order to prepare our Montavius for the rigors of the wider world around him. Now that she’s gone, I’m doing my absolute best to honor her wishes.

How about it, Steve? Do you think you could let it slide just this once? If it helps you make the decision, the natural oil content of my hair is pretty low. I shampoo it practically every day, which I know they say is bad for it, but it’s become such a routine at this point that I don’t even think about it anymore. Point being, you can tell your manager that their precious floor model chapeau has nothing to fear when it comes to my head.

-One brief storeroom chat later-

No dice, huh? And they wonder why brick and mortar hatteries are going the way of the passenger pigeon. Another perfectly good father-son Sunday wasted on account of out of touch merchants. I didn’t think it would have to come to this, but you forced my hand. Let’s go, Monty. Dad has no choice but to order a so-called vintage fedora from someone’s arts and crafts website.

I didn’t think it would have to come to this, Steve, and I know you didn’t have any say in the final outcome here, so I’m gonna level with you. I can tell that you’re basically a good kid, and I wish nothing but the best for you in the future. A bit of advice for you, young man: Don’t let the establishment stand between you and your happiness. Just remember that.

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