Today I flattened a screwdriver with only the power of my mind. All I had to do was look at it with the intent to change its physical properties, and BAM, flatter than a doornail (that’s been flattened, that is). In my short time of having this ability–two weeks this Saturday–I’ve flattened objects big and small, pliable and rigid. So far I’ve flattened corkscrews, pickles, baseball cards, lawn chairs, lawn darts, lawn mowers, garden gnomes and neighborhood cats (I usually stick to backyard objects). My need to flatten is insatiable, much to the chagrin of my neighbors. I haven’t attempted to flatten people, I don’t need to get into any unnecessary trouble if I can help it.

But if I had to, I’d start with Phil from next door. The only problem is that I just know my appetite would grow uncontrollable from there. Not long after, I’d need to flatten heads of state and big business owners just to get the same rush I’d become accustomed to since flattening the likes of my lowly neighbor, whose only mark on society is the number of cable/internet/home phone bundles he’s sold. His flattening would be a merciful one.

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