Can you blame me for proceeding with caution? I see no alternative at this time, though might I recommend the steak frites? A lovely dish on Wednesdays—though not so much on Thursdays—that I highly recommend pairing with a Napoleon Complex (gin and vermouth with a splash of Beaujolais). You’ll sometimes miss the intricacies generally held within what would be considered a thoroughly metropolitan cocktail, but why should that worry you at all? Aren’t you one of those kids at heart who’ll eat half a hot dog out of the garbage can? Don’t deny it, I can see it in your eyes. Don’t worry, I’ll never direct any malice toward the average dumpster diver, even if I can’t figure out the motivation.

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