The Snake Oil Salesman

Dear valued subscriber,

Let me just cut to the chase here. Get your one-year extension of Flimflamming Magazine now! Don’t delay another minute! Your VIP offer is set to expire after a week, and if you have half a mind to let your membership lapse, nip that in the bud! After a week has passed, you’ll be subjected to paying what the regular suckers pay.

Don’t worry about forgetting. We’ll remind you of the impending expiration every day as soon as you wake up. Now, if you allow this exclusive offer to lapse without so much as a courtesy email letting us know that you’ve reconsidered renewing your membership, we shall be obligated to then extend the offer to your mortal enemy, JERRY.

JERRY will be given the same spiel you were given lo those many months ago, and HE may choose to sign up for a brand new membership at 35% off list price. You, of course, won’t try to change HIS mind, because you take pleasure in knowing that money spent on us means less money for other things that HE may want or need.

If you choose to let HIM know about this set of circumstances (we give it a less than 5% chance of happening), you may ultimately risk becoming friends with JERRY after alerting him to our scheme. Remember, this is a person you once called “A SPINELESS SHAPESHIFTER WITH A BRAIN LIKE A WALNUT.”

If, at the end of the day, you don’t tell JERRY about any of this and HE ends up not getting a subscription to our magazine, all is not lost for us. At least we’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that our targeted marketing campaign got inside your head, and that’s all that really matters to us in this age of social media. After all, we already got some of your money anyway.


Art Sugarman
Founder and CEO, Flimflamming Magazine


Author: Aidan Badinger I am a poet. I write poems. Titles and subjects and subsequent readership are all part of one fragmented figment of our universe, and it's nice that we take it so seriously. Hopefully the craft remains and grows stronger for our children.

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