What’s to be gained from a margarine syndicate stealing all of our top talent in the butter biz? An inside source told me that they’re working to eradicate all fatty cream-based substances, one well-placed marketing campaign at a time. It won’t be long now before even milk–the very foundation of instant nutrition in the 20th Century–loses its credibility to whey protein substitutes. Cows are under the gun to come up with a new self-sustaining product to keep their farmers from foreclosing. Hoof paintings will likely be their first foray, as the arts have proven time and again to be quite the lucrative undertaking.

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