A cold little crouton prefers to be somewhat frozen over being baked into a melange of messes, and I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve had to dignify these oddball questions with suitable responses. I mean, half of my time has been spent trying to describe a heron’s flight patterns to preschoolers, and I can see that they’re really not getting it at all. No matter what color the heron or the wingspan, there is no way I can have an intelligent conversation with these ungrown little future senators and hot dog vendors. I might as well try to make friends with people my age and just be done with it already. I never thought building a giant monument to salad would be so damn tough.

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