I’ve got six or seven reasons not to pursue legal action, but there’s really nothing stopping me anyway. It’s not that I want to exact revenge upon an unworthy opponent, even though that’s exactly my intent. It’s just that I’ve grown so tired of these people in this world pretending to be the boss when they can’t even figure out how to properly floss their teeth. If I need to select an unlucky recipient of my random righteous fit, then so be it. I’ll go ahead and flip through the phone book. John Mendoza. Did his name really have to be John? I mean, of all people, why would I pick someone with such a typical first name? If I’m going to make somebody regret that they even met me, I want to at least make sure that the history books show a Ralph or a Denis or even a Lucian for Christ’s sake. I don’t really care if it’s a family name, or even if it’s something his parents saw on a billboard on the way to the hospital. I just want it to be classy. I mean, it’s my arbitrary lawsuit, so I can conduct this business any way I want. And I know what you’re thinking: why not sue a woman? I did briefly entertain the notion of suing a woman named Sue, but I’d have no way to know for sure that she doesn’t actually prefer being called Susan or Susy or even Sue Ellen. Once I took all that new information into account, I’d already begun to flip through the white pages for a name at random.

Advertisements