I’m Not Offended that You Vomited

While I’ve got your attention, I have a couple things I need to get off my chest. For starters, this shirt is really bunching at my armpits. You don’t mind if I take it off, do you? Well, I’m taking it off either way, so your opinion really doesn’t mean squat to me at the moment.

But you know, I only took off my shirt to show you the other thing I want to get off my chest. Do you see it? Look closer. [Closer! CLOSER!] Yeah, it’s weird to have a toenail growing out of a nipple. I’m not offended that you vomited; apparently I’m the only documented case of this ever happening.

I wanted to ask you a question about this thing. Should I just trim it and polish it, or should I go for more drastic measures? I don’t know if my insurance will cover this type of cosmetic surgery. I should just get a boob job and hope that my new jugs distract from the freak show.

Author: Aidan Badinger

Wharved.com I am a poet. I write poems. Titles and subjects and subsequent readership are all part of one fragmented figment of our universe, and it's nice that we take it so seriously. Hopefully the craft remains and grows stronger for our children.

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