I see something like a casino junket, never really satisfied but always rolling to the goal, you know what I mean? It tends to get frustrating at times, but you win some and you lose some. At least that’s what I always say to my brides-to-be before the wedding. You know, I must have married half of Toledo by now, but I haven’t grown tired of marriage. Isn’t that miraculous? No matter how many stone cold bitches I’ve trusted enough to get down on one knee for, I still seem to have that romance bug inside me. Sometimes I feel like it’s crawling around just below my skin and I start itching. I don’t think I really have an insect under my epidermal layer, I just really have ants in my pants sometimes. I don’t literally have ants walking up and down my legs, I’m just emphasizing the nervousness and anxiety that I get sometimes. The romance bug is just a symptom of my never-ending obsession with having someone in my life, in my house with me at all times. I never leave my house. I found out about 15 years ago that going outside is unhealthy for me. I haven’t seen a doctor on the subject, but I’ve read plenty of literature on the internet about people who literally burn up when their skin is exposed to sunlight. I always felt like I had that condition, so I just covered every square inch of my body before I used to go outside. But you know what? I’m not going to let the Sun dictate the clothes I wear, dammit. I had to take back my own life once and for all. That was too much for my sixth wife, so I had to end it with her. I don’t know what happened to her, she probably moved back to Seattle with her boyfriend (she was cheating on me while we were married, but I didn’t really mind that much because nothing she did outside of the house was any of my business anyway). We weren’t really clicking after the first couple months, you know? Anyway, I’m so excited to get hitched tomorrow! Have you thought about who you want to be our witness? I think Pedro would look so nice in a rental tux, don’t you? I mean, it doesn’t have to be a pricey one, I’m sure they have a deal on one-day rentals. I don’t know, I’ll figure it out when I get to the tailor. What size is Pedro, a 42?

Advertisements