I worked on a rig or two in my day. I was the guy that convinced Lovely Pete to get a garbage disposal. Remember when he was just tossing his old vegetables in the trash like a savage? I changed that in a hurry. He honestly had no idea that flesh-eating bacteria could spread through his kitchen like the plague without one of those machines. I don’t have to tell you how it works, do I? You’re so forgetful, sometimes I wonder why I come to your office for advice. Okay, for the last time. Every disposal comes pre-equipped with a garden gnome strapped to the bottom that punches bacteria before it reaches the vegetables you grind up. Come on, you’ve had one of these for four years now, don’t you remember the living, breathing denizen below your sink? Come to think of it, those guys only have a five-year warranty. Have you checked under the hood lately? I’ve heard of gnome-resistant bacteria being spread through disposals across the state. You really have to be careful where you get your produce these days. It has to be shrink wrapped in the supermarket fridge for you to be sure that it won’t melt your face off. The better brands will have a label of some sort that lets you know that they’ve invested good time and money into fighting this raging illness. I like to try to spend my hard-earned money on brands that contribute part of their profits to charities, especially ones involving kids. Baby goats have a special place in my heart, as you should remember. You’re such a forgetful psychologist, I don’t know how you still have your license.

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