The Whole Kit ‘n’ Caboodle

Courage in Spending

Give us that speed of transaction courtesy, will ya? We’re valuable customers, and we deserve instant purchases (not to mention fund transfers). Our stable contributions to the economy have earned us the right to complain and demand homage for our courage in spending.

Nothings Can Suffice

How can we adjust to the modern expectation of the artist? Is there any way to salvage such a tired and excruciating stereotype, antiquated to within an inch of its life for the merriment of those who know nothing about it in the first place. Now art, forever that damsel in distress, is searching and wailing for a scrap of something we once used to call dignity.

Unobstructed viewings, all day: ten for a dollar. All you can view, punctured with a fork and strewn across the room for nothing but your pure enjoyment. We must all endure lean times, and I for one can attest to the horror that we call the vermilion trouser foible bazaar–

Lame little nothings can suffice,
but you know the greater ones
always stick to the back seat anyway.

Television News Anchor

G: But I don’t want to express myself! Don’t you see what’s at stake if I do?! I’ll have my information exposed to anyone and everyone, and I’d prefer not to be out in the public eye in order to make a living.

B: You’re a television news anchor in Los Angeles.

G: What’s your point?

Mad Old, Yo

Scenario: An alien lands on the surface of the planet, trying to investigate the nature of Human behavior for a book he’s writing. This is a book meant for scientific endeavor, and he also hopes it reaches the point where his fellow beings appreciate his efforts enough to award him with some sort of accolade. This is a big deal to him, and his species is on board with him. You may want to compare this to the Christopher Columbus scenario, except that our hero is benevolent. This species of hominid has evolved to the point where telepathic communication has been perfected to an indefinite amount. These beings are mad old, yo. Something like fifteen million years ago is when they first figured out the whole telepathic bit, which fell fifteen million years after that time they figured out what fire was good for.

Of course, this is to be read only if you want some perspective on their development. I’m only doing this for your benefit.

What? You asked me to take on this project. Do you think I would volunteer my time to this for no reason? You must be crazy.

That’s Hardly the Place to Put Chili

Invidrion: Where did our chili go? I thought I put it in the hamper.

Celeste: You did put it in the hamper. That’s hardly the place to put chili.

Invidrion: Well I thought I was gonna come back for it, but then I forgot.

Celeste: And I was the lucky one who found it when? Six hours later?

Invidrion: What’s today? Wednesday?

Celeste: Yeah.

Invidrion: So you found it two days after I forgot it there. You’ve been slacking on the laundry.

People] Can’t Tell Me

Bleak entertainers’ glee
leaks all over the stage

as the freaks peak
in their social development

and the geeks tweak
while the Greeks seek.

You robber baron bandits
have nothing on our scheme!

You lack significance
in a most crucial way

and you make up for it
by burying that invisible hatchet

you claimed was a mile away
at the time. Now you

[you of all people] can’t tell me
I’m just being paranoid this time.

You know damn well
that I’m your equal

and there’s nothing stopping me
from declaring mutiny

and shipping your saviors overseas,
never to be seen again by Western eyes

(good riddance). We all take a sauna
and throw down tequila,

as is the style at the time.
Our cultural awareness steps forward

and mocks itself ruthlessly,
as I’m sure you know.

Oh, come now.

You can’t say
you didn’t already know

the state of our adolescent trek
through the Everglades of public opinion.

We’ve all known this for years at this point,
and it’s time you come back to reality.