“By gum, Fanny Mae! Where’d you get that?”
“What, this fanny pack full of chewing gum?”
Category: Straitjacket: V-17X
Glue
“It’s a great part! How many times do I have to tell you? The fact that you’re not listening only aggravates my rage. Will you take off your headphones? Hello?! Hey, these things are stuck to your head! Did you glue them on? Are you so spiteful and petty as to purposefully ruin a perfectly good pair of headphones just to avoid listening to me? What if I had to tell you something really important, huh? What if I were telling you that I’m pregnant?!”
“Are you?”
“What, pregnant? That’s none of your business anyway. Hey, don’t tune me out! I can see your eyes glazing over!”
Hews
“It all stems from my fear of oranges.”
“Oranges as in the fruit, or oranges as in the hues?”
“Don’t even get me started on Hughs. I have a cousin named Hugh who puts his feet in suitcases six times a day. Try to figure that one out.”
“I meant hues as in… never mind. Suitcases? Does he travel a lot?”
“Wow, what an insightful question.”
Twiddle
A gaunt man wearing a fur hat and beat up blue parka twiddles his thumbs on a Sunday morning in Central Park.
A casual observer would ask: “Well isn’t there a chess game he could be playing right now? I mean, who twiddles his thumbs these days anyway? Is he counting the number of twiddles? How many twiddles are possible in a minute? How long has he been twiddling? Maybe he twiddled here last night and kept twiddling straight through to the dawn. God, I’ve been standing here observing this man, and I’m afraid to go up and ask him what his deal is.”
B P I Chronicles 3
B: How did we end up here?
P: Metaphorically?
B: I was thinking physically.
P: Well, I guess we need to figure out where ‘here’ is.
B: Good question. France?
P: I’m pretty sure we’re not in France.
B: Belgium?
P: I was thinking more along the lines of a state of mind.
I: We’re in uncharted territory.
B P I Chronicles 2
B: Where’s the bartender? I need a drink. What’s that you’ve got there?
P: A caramel-infused jalapeño mojito.
B: Oh dear lord that looks awful.
P: You’d be surprised at just how awful this drink is.
B: Then stop drinking it!
P: I paid for it, genius. Plus, it’s not doing too bad a job. How are you, bud?
B: Thirsty. Bartender!
I: Hey, whadd’ya want?
B: AH! Bartender, were you crouching in front of us this whole time?
I: My name’s Frank. Yes. Now what’ll ya have? I ain’t got all day.
B: Yet you can crouch behind the bar and scare customers. I’ll have what he’s having.
I: I said I ain’t got all day. That drink takes 15 minutes to make.
P: He’s right. I was timing him. You don’t want this anyway, trust me.
B: Give me your best single malt scotch then. Leave the bottle.
B P I Chronicles 1
B: I told you not to let him go. Didn’t I tell you not to let him go? I definitely told you not to let him go.
P: What’re you groaning about this time?
B: The ice cream man! You heard me say I had to run into the house to grab my wallet. I said ‘don’t let him go after you get your popsicle.’
P: Oh, but I got a sundae. I thought your command was conditional.
B: You gave me the distinct impression that you wanted a frozen water treat, so I said popsicle. This was clearly all my fault.
P: Finally you see the light.
I: I’m still here, guys.
P: Ah! Oh, you scared me half to death, ice cream man!
I: My name is Frank.
B: What an odd name for an ice cream man.
I: Do you want a popsicle or not?
B: Really going for the jugular, Frank. No, I want a sundae.
I: I don’t do sundaes.
B: Then what’s that?
P: Oh right, he calls them mondaes.
B: Jesus, Frank. Give me a mondae then.
I: I hate mondaes.
P: You’ve still got it, Frank. Now get out of here before I call the cops.
B: Can I have my ice cream?
WHARVED 