Kicking the Can

“Yeah, the marmot’s a little shaggy. So what? No skin off your ass.” Harold kicked the can down the road, glaring at Rhonda all the while.

“You are rude. The marmot needs a clipping ASAP and you don’t even care.” Rhonda flushed with righteous indignation, the color of kool aid. She fixed her vision on the can Harold was kicking.

“As I’ve said a hundred times, the marmot is fine. End of story.” The can was getting quite dented, a standard aluminum soda can that doesn’t have the protection necessary to shield from foot contact.

“This isn’t a story. What is this la-la land you inhabit?” She was still transfixed on the can and getting rather tormented by the fact that this narrative could indeed morph into an epic tale the world has never yet seen.

“Everything’s a story. Most of them get lost because nobody wrote them down.” He stopped kicking the can and looked at Rhonda. “I don’t have a pen.”

“So now what do we do? Find a pen? That would make a great story.”

Harold had the look of a toddler who just learned his first swear word. “You’re right.”

“We’re making a story now? I thought we were just kicking that can!” Gesturing to the can with her left hand, Rhonda choked back tears (fake or genuine, she wasn’t sure), hoping to get out of another half-baked idea that Harold always seemed to be coming up with these days.

@ ∂ (•)

@: Do you want a carrot?

∂: I thought you’d never ask.
Wow, these are fresh.
Where’d you get ’em?

@: If I tell you that, it won’t be a secret anymore!

∂: Isn’t that why I asked?

@: Oh you.

∂: Now I really want to know.

@: What’s to know? It’s just a bag of carrots.

∂: The freshest carrots I’ve ever laid eyes on.

@: You’re not getting that information from me without a fight.

∂: Fisticuffs? I’ll throw down.

@: No, I meant trivia.

∂: How can we play trivia without an impartial judge?

•: Dudes, I’m right here!

@: SHIT, Darwin. You scared the bejesus outta me.

∂: God dammit, me too.

•: I brought my trivial pursuit this time.

∂: Good, ’cause if you didn’t…

@: Ease up on him, he’s just a kid.

•: I sleep the best at naptime. Is it naptime yet?

Jesus! I’m on the Shitter

“I want a grilled cheese!”
barked the stage man to his uncle.

“We’re out of cheese,”
the old man said.

“Well listen up, the truck has gas.
Go down to the store and pick some up.”

“I have no time for your petty errands.”
He was old, but his comments were fiery.

“Jesus! I’m on the shitter.
Just get the cheese.”

“Shit or get off the pot.”

Flying Ego

Ω: Float and gloat, that’s my motto.

ç: Easy for you to say, flying toaster.

Ω: Suck my chrome.

Egg Strutting

P: Why are you strutting around like that?

F: I just found an egg.

P: What kind?

F: Chicken.

P: Where?

F: The fridge.

P: What’s so special about that?

F: Nothing.

P: Then why are you strutting around like that?

F: I just found an egg.

P: We’ve gone over this. What are you going to do with the egg?

F: Fry it on my forehead.

P: Let me get you a spatula.

F: Thanks buddy.

P: You’re going to have to stop strutting now.

Yep

Q: What is it you want to tell me?

A: I can’t tell you that.

Q: Why not? You just said you want to.

A: Figure of speech.

Q: Why even flap your gums at all?

A: Free country.

Q: You always give up.

A: At least I ain’t no got damn democrat.

Kerfuffle

Edna: Blunder into this, you old coot.

Phil: Who, me? It wasn’t me who smashed up the Buick last week.

Edna: You’re a coward to bring that up, Phil.

Phil: A coward? have you called me that yet today?

Edna: Probably once or twice.

Phil: Edna, I want a divorce.

Edna: I know, that’s part of your charm.