Category: Poetry

Grasp unhinged oyster shell [razor] scraps, but don’t do it too tightly. Blood in the water will attract any number of predators. Well, any number aside from sharks. I mean, when was the last time you saw a shark in the kitchen sink? I suppose one of those plastic bath toys would closely resemble the real animals, but nobody in their right minds would mistake one of those things for a true man-eater.

Given the governor’s penchant for making pudding a snack of the ages, I’d say we have a fifty-fifty chance of making it out of the arena alive today. If he sells enough cups of pudding to satiate his royal pocketbook, then we may have a chance to escape without his wrath being rained down upon us. A rich king is a jovial king, I’ve always found. It’s too bad that he used his position as a public servant to prop himself on the shoulders of much greater men. I think he had an issue earlier in life that probably caused him to crave power like an addict craves heroin.

My friends here are penniless,
but that doesn’t mean anything to me

(aside from the fact that pennies are useless anyway).

A bat named Sancho
flew from roof to roof, unaware
that the roofs were even there.

What do you aim to provide, if a seventeen year-old kid can do it before you ever even thought of it? There’s no point to it then, wouldn’t you say? I mean, there’s no industry in being a has-been prodigy, ya dig? You either got it or ya don’t. The longer it takes to get that through your thick skull, the more miserable you’re gonna become. And I know, you’ll yell at me for six days, telling me that I’m wrong and you’ve always had the chance to become the next big thing. Well, have you ever proven me wrong? Sure, you’ll get up on that soapbox and give me some grandiose filibuster about the meaning of life and the philosophical necessity of achievement, fulfillment, egalitarianism and all that other bullshit, and I’m so sick of hearing it. Just because you say it a thousand times doesn’t mean it’s going to magically be proven right by the gods of redundancy. The gods of redundancy would rather be repeating themselves and giving all the luck to the Bush family.

And so for the rest of it, what we thought was the train but what we knew was the plane of existence opening before our very eyes, a sea of cauldron-inducing jackals swam in a school of mackerel, awaiting what could only be a hound dog of manly proportions. That’s right, you heard right, a hound dog of manly proportions. Whatever you may believe this dog to be, it’s truly up to the psyche, you see. Nobody, and I mean nobody, can judge alongside thee as a chaperone for the autoparts pavilion. It doesn’t work like that, you know? There’s not some formula for magically developing a character that everybody will love. Well, maybe there is, but I’m too cheap to find out how that would ever come to pass.

In order to explain myself, a croissant must be placed upon my upturned forehead for at least four minutes. Don’t ask why I need this action to transpire, just comply with my request and you will be briefed on my view of how things took such a sharp turn for the worse at Jovie’s funeral service.

–Four minutes later–

You may remove the croissant. If you’re hungry, you may eat it. I have no use for it anymore. Jovie was an angry man, so I found it fitting to bring a stink bomb to the proceedings. As they always say, he would have wanted it that way.