Thanks, Dad


“Parallel entities befit madness, my son. “You should never turn your back on those other dimensions our forward-thinking predecessors have been touting for some time now, or your attention will lose its cosmic importance, the aggregate of local souls gradually easing you out of their observational patterns–though it’s the last thing they would do if Continue reading Thanks, Dad

Roses


The ever-present Rumpelstiltskin type of orangeade seems to have no connection to the ingenuity of a person concerned with a corrupt bargain and everything to do with a personal vendetta to be meted out over the course of several decades, if not millennia. Such a skip in discourse may only lead some people to believe Continue reading Roses

XCIX


T: “I’m sick and tired of this situation, constantly running around and spitting out rhetoric at every person I see, able-bodied or otherwise. Who knows, if they can’t perform daring feats on a high wire, that doesn’t mean they don’t know how to recruit that kind of talent.” R: “What the hell are you yammering Continue reading XCIX

LXIII


The following text will constitute post number 900 since Wharved’s inception just over 6 years ago. I’m very proud of this number! While it’s not quite 1,000, it’s still a whopper, and serves as a boon to my self-confidence as a poet and writer of absurdity. Now that I have this little intro out of Continue reading LXIII

Croissant


“Is there any chance I can get butter on the side?” “This croissant is already loaded with butter.” “Yes, but that butter only went into the composition of the croissant. I need surface butter that I can bite into, you understand.” “I’m sorry, but we don’t have pads of butter available.” “You could have just Continue reading Croissant

More Tambourine


Jimmy, Telly and Cliff stand in front of Jimmy’s open garage, stiff after hauling car parts around. “We need more tambourine,” Jimmy said with exasperation. Telly looked at Jimmy quizzically. “We don’t have a tambourine.” “What kind of a band doesn’t have a tambourine?” “We’re not a band.” Telly snuffed out his cigarette with his Continue reading More Tambourine

Rat Tippers


“Where do you keep your rat tippers?” “I keep my rat tippers with my cow flippers, in the back-right corner of the pantry next to the party fixins. Why do you ask?” “I really need something to get these rats off my case, especially because of this ingrown toenail I have. I can’t risk being Continue reading Rat Tippers

Mad Old, Yo


Scenario: An alien lands on the surface of the planet, trying to investigate the nature of Human behavior for a book he’s writing. This is a book meant for scientific endeavor, and he also hopes it reaches the point where his fellow beings appreciate his efforts enough to award him with some sort of accolade. Continue reading Mad Old, Yo

Hollywood Jim and Sparkly Sam Drive to the Disco


The two friends walked up to the club’s front door, only to find a notice that read: Hello, would-be disco-goers. Disco Grande has had to close its doors due to a draining interest in the culture. We are sorry for the inconvenience, and would like to offer you a complimentary condom. Please take only one Continue reading Hollywood Jim and Sparkly Sam Drive to the Disco

Woodchips


“Your anger isn’t unfounded, but I don’t know where it’s coming from. Spit out the woodchips and we’ll have a serious conversation. Your lovely little distractions can only blind me for so long to the true matter behind all of this. You know what I’m talking about. Come on now, there can’t be that many Continue reading Woodchips

Yep


Q: What is it you want to tell me? A: I can’t tell you that. Q: Why not? You just said you want to. A: Figure of speech. Q: Why even flap your gums at all? A: Free country. Q: You always give up. A: At least I ain’t no got damn democrat.

Kerfuffle


Edna: Blunder into this, you old coot. Phil: Who, me? It wasn’t me who smashed up the Buick last week. Edna: You’re a coward to bring that up, Phil. Phil: A coward? have you called me that yet today? Edna: Probably once or twice. Phil: Edna, I want a divorce. Edna: I know, that’s part Continue reading Kerfuffle

Girder


Monk: Are we building something? I swear the girders weren’t here yesterday. Thistle: Hm, don’t think so. You don’t have any paint. Monk: What’s paint got to do with it? Thistle: Good question. Let me ask my thesaurus. Says here a girder is like a beam. Monk: Oh, well that changes everything.

Foliage


What the hell is all this foliage doing on my part of the lawn? You didn’t understand our agreement, Fred. I specifically stated in our last town-hall meeting, and I quote: “Fred’s shrubs are a major pain in the ass and I’m going to chop them down with my blunt, rusty hatchet”. I mean what Continue reading Foliage

Glue


“It’s a great part! How many times do I have to tell you? The fact that you’re not listening only aggravates my rage. Will you take off your headphones? Hello?! Hey, these things are stuck to your head! Did you glue them on? Are you so spiteful and petty as to purposefully ruin a perfectly Continue reading Glue

Hews


“It all stems from my fear of oranges.” “Oranges as in the fruit, or oranges as in the hues?” “Don’t even get me started on Hughs. I have a cousin named Hugh who puts his feet in suitcases six times a day. Try to figure that one out.” “I meant hues as in… never mind. Continue reading Hews