“Parallel entities befit madness, my son. “You should never turn your back on those other dimensions our forward-thinking predecessors have been touting for some time now, or your attention will lose its cosmic importance, the aggregate of local souls gradually easing you out of their observational patterns–though it’s the last thing they would do if … Continue reading Thanks, Dad
The ever-present Rumpelstiltskin type of orangeade seems to have no connection to the ingenuity of a person concerned with a corrupt bargain and everything to do with a personal vendetta to be meted out over the course of several decades, if not millennia. Such a skip in discourse may only lead some people to believe … Continue reading Roses
Poet: I got a steal of a deal on turkey today! I’m unreasonably happy right now. Accountant: So… why’s that? It’s just turkey. P: Well, someone dropped one of those shrink-wrapped breasts on the floor, and it had already been opened, so their policy was that they had to toss it. A: Let me guess, … Continue reading Inherent Value
T: “I’m sick and tired of this situation, constantly running around and spitting out rhetoric at every person I see, able-bodied or otherwise. Who knows, if they can’t perform daring feats on a high wire, that doesn’t mean they don’t know how to recruit that kind of talent.” R: “What the hell are you yammering … Continue reading XCIX
The following text will constitute post number 900 since Wharved’s inception just over 6 years ago. I’m very proud of this number! While it’s not quite 1,000, it’s still a whopper, and serves as a boon to my self-confidence as a poet and writer of absurdity. Now that I have this little intro out of … Continue reading LXIII
“Is there any chance I can get butter on the side?” “This croissant is already loaded with butter.” “Yes, but that butter only went into the composition of the croissant. I need surface butter that I can bite into, you understand.” “I’m sorry, but we don’t have pads of butter available.” “You could have just … Continue reading Croissant
Jimmy, Telly and Cliff stand in front of Jimmy’s open garage, stiff after hauling car parts around. “We need more tambourine,” Jimmy said with exasperation. Telly looked at Jimmy quizzically. “We don’t have a tambourine.” “What kind of a band doesn’t have a tambourine?” “We’re not a band.” Telly snuffed out his cigarette with his … Continue reading More Tambourine
“This town doesn’t have any eggplant! I’m seriously considering leaving. Everybody here’s been suckered in by the big broccoli lobby, with all their damn grant money and infrastructure improvements. What’s the point of new roads, rapid transit and a new high school if you’re giving up your right to eat eggplant, squash, cucumbers, anything that’s … Continue reading Pass the Broccoli
I stand on the borderland between city and desert, not sure which is less appealing. I turn to my right and look down at the rabbit next to me. “Where should I go?” “Well, I live in the desert, so you’re welcome to come with me. I’m only going about a mile that way.” The … Continue reading Common Sense
“I have a climbing rope set up in my backyard if you want to try it.” Sitting at the kitchen table has become difficult for Tracy. Time sitting idle is time wasted. Fred is taken aback, as he’s been having a perfectly nice time sitting in conversation at the kitchen table. It’s a lovely breakfast … Continue reading Sitting Idle
Devin takes a sip of hot coffee that still needs to be blown on. “I’ve just been out of it lately, can’t describe it as much more than that. I haven’t been social, and opportunities for social interaction are just too much to bear.” He looks forlornly at the coffee cup. Marie offers her obligatory … Continue reading Like a Turtle
A mustachioed man with a boot for a leg kicked his way over to me and said, “Son, you’re never gonna be paid what you’re worth, so you gotta make amends with that fact and live your life to the fullest.” I’d never before met this gentleman, so his insight into my employment status intrigued … Continue reading The Gist of It
“Where do you keep your rat tippers?” “I keep my rat tippers with my cow flippers, in the back-right corner of the pantry next to the party fixins. Why do you ask?” “I really need something to get these rats off my case, especially because of this ingrown toenail I have. I can’t risk being … Continue reading Rat Tippers
G: But I don’t want to express myself! Don’t you see what’s at stake if I do?! I’ll have my information exposed to anyone and everyone, and I’d prefer not to be out in the public eye in order to make a living. B: You’re a television news anchor in Los Angeles. G: What’s your … Continue reading Television News Anchor
Scenario: An alien lands on the surface of the planet, trying to investigate the nature of Human behavior for a book he’s writing. This is a book meant for scientific endeavor, and he also hopes it reaches the point where his fellow beings appreciate his efforts enough to award him with some sort of accolade. … Continue reading Mad Old, Yo
Invidrion: Where did our chili go? I thought I put it in the hamper. Celeste: You did put it in the hamper. That’s hardly the place to put chili. Invidrion: Well I thought I was gonna come back for it, but then I forgot. Celeste: And I was the lucky one who found it when? … Continue reading That’s Hardly the Place to Put Chili
W: I would like to produce a play. C: That’s admirable. Who are the characters? W: Oh, no. There won’t be any characters. C: I’ve never heard of a play without characters. W: You’ve been living under a rock, my friend. C: I don’t understand why you have to point that out every time we … Continue reading Living Under a Rock
R: Better not stare at this one, dear. He looks a little self-conscious. Z: Yes, you are correct. R: Who’s that? Z: His conscience. R: Oh, that’s weird. Z: Why? R: Well, this hasn’t ever happened to me or anybody I know, and I never remember reading about it either. Z: Understandable.
And so as we enter another phase of existence, we must turn to ourselves and ask: “Why are there so many penguins on the road? I swear I didn’t see this many yesterday. Did you, Gertrude? Ah well, don’t worry about it. I’m sure they’re just on their way to some fast food restaurant to … Continue reading Well, Yeah XIII
The two friends walked up to the club’s front door, only to find a notice that read: Hello, would-be disco-goers. Disco Grande has had to close its doors due to a draining interest in the culture. We are sorry for the inconvenience, and would like to offer you a complimentary condom. Please take only one … Continue reading Hollywood Jim and Sparkly Sam Drive to the Disco
“Your anger isn’t unfounded, but I don’t know where it’s coming from. Spit out the woodchips and we’ll have a serious conversation. Your lovely little distractions can only blind me for so long to the true matter behind all of this. You know what I’m talking about. Come on now, there can’t be that many … Continue reading Woodchips
Å: Excuse me, do I know you? A: You do if you want to, but I can’t put my finger on where I’ve seen you before. Å: The park? A: You’ll need to be more specific. I go to… I go to many parks. Å: Kennedy Memorial? A: Odd time to talk about fallen presidents. … Continue reading Å Meets A
“Yeah, the marmot’s a little shaggy. So what? No skin off your ass.” Harold kicked the can down the road, glaring at Rhonda all the while. “You are rude. The marmot needs a clipping ASAP and you don’t even care.” Rhonda flushed with righteous indignation, the color of kool aid. She fixed her vision on … Continue reading Kicking the Can
@: Do you want a carrot? ∂: I thought you’d never ask. Wow, these are fresh. Where’d you get ’em? @: If I tell you that, it won’t be a secret anymore! ∂: Isn’t that why I asked? @: Oh you. ∂: Now I really want to know. @: What’s to know? It’s just a … Continue reading @ ∂ (•)
“I want a grilled cheese!” barked the stage man to his uncle. “We’re out of cheese,” the old man said. “Well listen up, the truck has gas. Go down to the store and pick some up.” “I have no time for your petty errands.” He was old, but his comments were fiery. “Jesus! I’m on … Continue reading Jesus! I’m on the Shitter
Ω: Float and gloat, that’s my motto. ç: Easy for you to say, flying toaster. Ω: Suck my chrome.
P: Why are you strutting around like that? F: I just found an egg. P: What kind? F: Chicken. P: Where? F: The fridge. P: What’s so special about that? F: Nothing. P: Then why are you strutting around like that? F: I just found an egg. P: We’ve gone over this. What are you … Continue reading Egg Strutting
Q: What is it you want to tell me? A: I can’t tell you that. Q: Why not? You just said you want to. A: Figure of speech. Q: Why even flap your gums at all? A: Free country. Q: You always give up. A: At least I ain’t no got damn democrat.
Edna: Blunder into this, you old coot. Phil: Who, me? It wasn’t me who smashed up the Buick last week. Edna: You’re a coward to bring that up, Phil. Phil: A coward? have you called me that yet today? Edna: Probably once or twice. Phil: Edna, I want a divorce. Edna: I know, that’s part … Continue reading Kerfuffle
Alfred: How are we supposed to announce the time of our deaths while we’re still alive? Isn’t that the doctor’s job? E. Newman: Budget cuts.
Monk: Are we building something? I swear the girders weren’t here yesterday. Thistle: Hm, don’t think so. You don’t have any paint. Monk: What’s paint got to do with it? Thistle: Good question. Let me ask my thesaurus. Says here a girder is like a beam. Monk: Oh, well that changes everything.
What the hell is all this foliage doing on my part of the lawn? You didn’t understand our agreement, Fred. I specifically stated in our last town-hall meeting, and I quote: “Fred’s shrubs are a major pain in the ass and I’m going to chop them down with my blunt, rusty hatchet”. I mean what … Continue reading Foliage
π: You’re a funny kid, kid. ø: You’re a funny kid, kid. π: Stop copying me. ø: Stop copying me. π: I’ll stop copying you if you tell me your favorite song. ø: Yellow Submarine. π: Yellow Submarine. ø: Stop copying me. π: Stop copying me.
§: Turmeric is my favorite spice. ª: That’s lovely. Can I have my coffee now?
©: However you may approach this situation, I assure you my hamster ball will not interfere. ß: Yeah, I’ve heard that before. Never with a hamster ball, but the scenario has definitely presented itself in one form or another over the years. ©: Like what? Emotional distress? ß: Occasionally. It has also manifested itself as … Continue reading My Hamster Ball Will Not Interfere
X: Who do I want as my wingman? O: Ooh! Pick me! X: And why are you suitable for this prestigious post? O: Don’t you see my wings, dude? Chicks LOVE ’em. X: Of course chicks love wings; they have little stubby ones and wish they could just grow up and get their feathers already. … Continue reading Wing Man
“By gum, Fanny Mae! Where’d you get that?” “What, this fanny pack full of chewing gum?”
“It’s a great part! How many times do I have to tell you? The fact that you’re not listening only aggravates my rage. Will you take off your headphones? Hello?! Hey, these things are stuck to your head! Did you glue them on? Are you so spiteful and petty as to purposefully ruin a perfectly … Continue reading Glue
“It all stems from my fear of oranges.” “Oranges as in the fruit, or oranges as in the hues?” “Don’t even get me started on Hughs. I have a cousin named Hugh who puts his feet in suitcases six times a day. Try to figure that one out.” “I meant hues as in… never mind. … Continue reading Hews
B: How did we end up here? P: Metaphorically? B: I was thinking physically. P: Well, I guess we need to figure out where ‘here’ is. B: Good question. France? P: I’m pretty sure we’re not in France. B: Belgium? P: I was thinking more along the lines of a state of mind. I: We’re … Continue reading B P I Chronicles 3
B: Where’s the bartender? I need a drink. What’s that you’ve got there? P: A caramel-infused jalapeño mojito. B: Oh dear lord that looks awful. P: You’d be surprised at just how awful this drink is. B: Then stop drinking it! P: I paid for it, genius. Plus, it’s not doing too bad a job. … Continue reading B P I Chronicles 2
B: I told you not to let him go. Didn’t I tell you not to let him go? I definitely told you not to let him go. P: What’re you groaning about this time? B: The ice cream man! You heard me say I had to run into the house to grab my wallet. I … Continue reading B P I Chronicles 1