For Shame, People


Delicate breakfast sandwiches rarely win the race for bubblegum’s affection (or even attention for Christ’s sake), but I’m not so sure we should be concerning ourselves with that in the first place. Why would such a substanceless substance call the shots over a much more qualified and fortified adversary? It makes no sense, and these meddlesome “critics” are letting their imaginations run wild. Are we really that disconnected from what’s good for us?

Well this reporter simply has no time to bandy this mincemeat word stew about, to and fro, over the graves of countless visionary gourmets past. I’m shrugging and moving on. Don’t you realize that we have more pressing matters at hand?! I’ll be damned if we get into a candy vs. food argument for a third time this afternoon. It’s disturbing to think that an entire subset of the economy is devoted to this pointless dreck. We still haven’t addressed the mosquito net shortage in Lesser Zambiblia. It’s been nigh on seven weeks now without so much as a stitch sewn. For shame, people.

Taken Care Of


Listen up, people. The latest intelligence is just rolling in now, and we’re in a bit of a pickle (to say the least). We may only be certain at this time that the entire town proper unknowingly lies in unprecedented peril. The warning signs have been more subtle than we, the clean, god-fearing citizens of our great nation-state could have ever imagined–or even dreamt. Damn it all! If it weren’t for our massively-overfunded team of quantum physicists, we wouldn’t even have the means to begin strategizing. Money well spent, gentlemen–AND WOMEN (apologies)!

I need to be blunt, as time is of the essence. We must to gird ourselves for the continuous unfolding population of non-native spongemonkeys, who have been granted the upper hand in lower east side pedway algae management. Since they have no natural enemies in this particular environment, they will continue spreading through all urbanized environments, unabated, until someone develops a plan of attack to at least curb their reproduction.

Every man, woman and child currently tasked with this difficult (some would say oppressive) undertaking have overwhelmingly speculated that at this current pace, it could take several decades for the infrastructure to accommodate a well-regulated spongemonkey population in balance with the area’s indigenous species. The first several generations of these… things… will serve as a barometer for the viability of future population management. Left unchecked, these godawful walking carbuncles could render urban inhabitance more of a bother than it’s worth.

Are we or are we not the most important invasive species on this planet?!

Damn straight. Let’s get this taken care of.