Don’t knock the verdict ‘til you’ve read the effervescent love stories of an older gentleman who reminds us all that a lake of justice may only be multiplied by itself as many times as would be appropriate for a spam wrangler embroiled in a cosmic prayer for guidance. And not that we’d have to succumb Continue reading Smidgen


Gordon George’s Estwing Bonanza tweaks recognition, that underrepresented showcase of carnival barkery. At its finest, you’ll see Jeffrey Finito—— attractive man of misery and attentive sham of Mister T—— slaloming down the underweather pass to transfer schmaltz patterns to his underwater dentist’s cauldron collection, one schmutz at a time.

Mission to Distract

Beefy, indeterminate scraps of litter parade around like they have a mission to distract from the vague commissary indiscretions plaguing our unions and, indeed, up-and-coming generation of handicraft hamburglars and overwrought Jangle-Changle Men—— together while they can still stand


Goodman-gambling jam-a-matrons sorting flame-retardant restraint algorithms——with a turkey atop the sundae for maximum flavoring——would be the thing I like to observe on the days when it’s rainy and there aren’t any suitable forms of chocolate pudding lying around on the ground floor with a tambourine satchel hanging from the rafters like a discombobulated raccoon taking Continue reading Algorithms

Chèvre Chaise

It’s become more and more fashionable to sink capital into transforming your obedient pupperoo into a live-action cartoon pooch. Breed is neither here nor there; folks are more concerned with accuracy of likeness than anything else, often times leading to bizarre combinations of aesthetics. What would happen if you were to combine a beagle and Continue reading Chèvre Chaise


The entrance to the dragon’s putty stash still remains more elusive than the eye can even behold, beyond the fine sheen of the monkey cages and dull luster of the eccentric bayonet-wielding sailor whose ship washed ashore fifty years ago. We never heard from him again. Most folks say he died forty-seven years ago– a Continue reading Privy

Show and Tell

Gradual consumerism cost our significant brethren a stalwart choice over the next-best alternative, namely the soda-spelt marsupial syndrome being passed around, not unlike the disgusting rag doll that little Jeanine brought to show and tell, revealing a tad too much for the occasion (everybody ended up with pinkeye– EVERYBODY).

Working the Counter

Grand ideology rakes tempestuous porcupine failure across the arena, unconcerned with the aftermath involved. Mammal tidings prevent intervention. Audience opinion shattered, an elevenfold androgen titan laps the competition for the price of a testosterone meatball sundae, a similar portion to what you’d get at Arnie’s when Glen’s working the counter. Tell him Jimbo’s dog had Continue reading Working the Counter

Breach of Conduct

A walloping armpit extension cord signals a breach of conduct between extended penguin locker scenes. Meanwhile, a trailer of sloppy prejudice leans between a cross-country ski and the entrance to a long-abandoned silver mine, incapable of bettering its situation among the shapes of molten stoicism openly exhibiting themselves through displays deployed by wriggling strings undetectable Continue reading Breach of Conduct


Drinking all the coffee in the world still won’t keep me from passing out like a yellow-bellied stooge wielding a catcher’s mitt much too oversized for his gimpy left hand. Why a catcher’s mitt? Perhaps to shield from the harsh realities of 21st Century American living, or to comment on the perpetual competition bred into Continue reading Wharf

Rush Hour: In Other Words

Exceed humanity’s tangible awareness to approach levels untouchable, invisible, invincible to conventional thought. To miss out on a dimensional occurrence is to watch a bus depart without you during a Friday afternoon rush hour. The urgency folds in on itself, embodied by heavy breaths and huffing impatience. The presence of your inner conscience prevents your Continue reading Rush Hour: In Other Words


Of a subtler ilk, this deer wagon waxes transparent when I lick its foliage in a counterclockwise fashion. Intriguing twist: Trick Smith Limited, world-renowned jackalope dealer, now beckons [VALUED CUSTOMER] to become an exclusive member of its carnage-related festivities!* *Offer not valid in lower Nevada or the Lesser Antilles. The topic of pencil shaving trefoils Continue reading Heretofore