My Aberlour would stick out like a sore thumb in this dry county. I’m going to keep it in my kitchen cabinet as long as I can without caving to temptation, because I just know I’ll finish the bottle twenty-seven times faster if I just crack into it without the appropriate precautions. You know, the Continue reading LVII


A skyscraper takes some time to construct, some even longer than the gestation period of your average blue whale calf. If I had to pick, I would go the whale route every time. I don’t care about stacking people inside a glass and metal affront to God, but I do care to imitate whale songs Continue reading LVI


Snacking can be quite the transcendent experience if done properly. Why it was just yesterday that I saw a greasy old con man tell an impressionable boy, “A sack of tortilla chips could rid the world of negative intentions.” That’s just silly, tortilla chips can’t do anything nearly that impactful. Potato chips, on the other Continue reading LV


The thrift store yielded many snazzy finds, as though nobody with good taste had ever gone through there and sampled their wares. Granted, $60 for a t-shirt is a steep price for a place designed to save funds, but I’M WITH STUPID just says it all. What’s more, there are lovely distress marks, likely put Continue reading LIV


A distinguishing rip can take hold of even the sturdiest of papers on nights bold enough to take cake anywhere in a tri-state radius and drop it off without much pain or pleasure, really no sensations or emotions involved whatsoever–a rip that would stall the progress of a kitchen sink massacre that’s been brewing for Continue reading LIII


In it squats a lonely toad, free to do whatever it wants– we’ll find in the ether any number of toads squatting or leopards trotting or penguins jotting off to the island of solemn decency. Where do we go from here? A foamy brine off the coast of Antigua, or a sordid affair thrown together Continue reading LII