I left a lighter in the side pocket of one of my favorite pairs of pants. Now, which lighter and which pair of pants? I don’t know. There are dozens of possibilities, and I haven’t cleaned my room for three weeks. For all I know, I won’t be able to find what I’m looking for … Continue reading Lighter
“Dutiful tin cups push us all into the water hazard that houses several above-average octopi who hide until disrupted by our splashing.” You lapse back into languagelessness after you’ve come up with a decent sentence regarding the state of the universe. Since you’ve now done your job for the day, you can sit expressionless in … Continue reading Basking
“Method leads to madness,” uncle Pritchard told me one afternoon while I was struggling to write a single sentence that even remotely inspired me. He’d caught me staring into space while hovering over my notebook, pen at the ready (mind, not so much). He took it as his mission to get me going, so he … Continue reading Cliché to Nobody
I’ve always said to myself that he’d make a fine coat if worn during the autumn months, draped across my shoulders. He would also make a fine blanket around that time of year, depending on the form he wants to take. He tends to surprise me with his various interpretations of shape. I just worry … Continue reading Magic Mink
I left a seed (a kernel of truth) behind in the busted old car that’s been put out to pasture near a grove of lemon trees. It won’t be long now before it finds a place to sprout and make that hollowed-out corpse of an automobile relevant again, at least to the bees.
Good for you, coming out of that coma so soon. We’re glad to have you back! Now, you’ve been out of commission since three Fridays ago. Do you want to be updated about that time, or are you the type who wants to find out about the past fortnight and change on your own? How … Continue reading Logged Out
A fellow put on an undershirt under an overshirt under an overcoat, as he saw it would be overcast all day. Whether or not he went overboard or undersold his need for more garments is yet to be seen, but his overall choice of attire seems fitting.
Slithering down the steps of a cathedral like an uncouth serpent between the twelfth and the fifteenth of the month really takes a lot out of a person, especially when coupled with a lack of muffins (or even the basic implements for making those unhealthy breakfast treats). A half-hour of slithering up and down steps, … Continue reading Slithering
A stoic German Shepherd surveys its land, unaware that its ancestors once had actual sheep to lead around. It has an unquenchable need for organization, which it unleashes on the people in its life as often as possible (especially the little ones who would rather run around aimlessly, completely devoid of guidance).
Who even answers to the grand hierarchy these days anyway? There’s no logical conclusion to be made regarding those toadstools and where they rank on the totem pole of natural phenomena, they simply exist for a purpose that’s unknown to all but one (according to some religions).
Whittling away the time, a robber thinks to himself, “Well, it’s now or never, and I don’t like the likes of never.” He gets into a crouch, just ready to pounce on his unsuspecting victim. Then he waits (and waits and waits) until the waiting just becomes too much to bear and he relaxes his … Continue reading Robber
I recently had a diabolical plan to deflect all arguments waged at me with terse and witty comebacks, but nobody would engage with me. I looked up and down for someone with whom to pick a fight, but everybody was either listening to headphones, transfixed on their phone, or exhibiting a combination of the two. … Continue reading Engage
This tree doesn’t know what it’s doing. All the other trees around it already have their leaves; this one is seriously lagging behind. Maybe if I talk soothingly to it, I can help facilitate leaf growth. I’ll come back here soon with some friends and a picnic basket, play some Vivaldi, engage in stimulating conversation … Continue reading Lagging Behind
A blimp (we’ll call it Harold) holds steady at 2,000 feet, the people within its underside capturing aerial video of a baseball game. Harold is so used to this kind of gig that it often takes its mind off the mundane goings-on. Right now it’s wondering if it can learn to play the sax, or, … Continue reading Blimp
A little dog is yapping after its owner decided to leave it alone on this coffee shop’s patio, irritating all the people outside and even some of us indoors (that yapping is quite loud and obnoxious). This situation has led us patrons to wonder about the sanctity of the dog-owner relationship, and how many times … Continue reading Yapping
“Is there any chance I can get butter on the side?” “This croissant is already loaded with butter.” “Yes, but that butter only went into the composition of the croissant. I need surface butter that I can bite into, you understand.” “I’m sorry, but we don’t have pads of butter available.” “You could have just … Continue reading Croissant
Consider a squadron of like-minded pencil pushers coming together for what appears to be a normal business lunch. No dice, compadre. They’re really meeting so they can compare shoe sizes (a way of establishing pecking order). Performance in the workplace aside, these guys need a system for gauging who is inherently superior, and, therefore, who … Continue reading Light Conversation
Don’t be greedy once you’ve tasted a bit of success (even if that success tasted just like bacon). You can’t force a reproduction of such greatness on a whim, or you’ll disrupt the natural order of things. If success visits you for even a second, consider yourself luckier than a pig avoiding the slaughter and … Continue reading Just Like Bacon
Flawed as it is, I can’t get rid of this picture frame. Sure, I could just go out and get a new one for a reasonable price (praise the free market economy), but this one was free with my subscription to TV Escort magazine, an upstanding publication. It will take more than a little warping … Continue reading Wobble
Scrambled tidings of somewhat tepid joy waft across town, starting from the chocolate factory, that place people associate with frolicking (where free samples fall from the rafters). That may have been true some time ago, but the magic has faded. Now you’d be lucky to frolic for more than a few seconds before realizing you’re … Continue reading Frolic
If the everyman (John Everyman) had a chance to ring up a rhino, he’d jump to toss his neon disc at the very late musicians, somehow spitting out his clunky rhythm in charming four-quarter time and lulling passing onlookers with his feats of determination.
Dear Holden, I haven’t heard from you in a long time, so I felt writing you a letter would be appropriate. In this age of instant communication, I’ve noticed that you’ve gone dormant. It’s as though you’ve fallen off the face of the earth. I get it, I have times where I just want to … Continue reading To No Avail
Dear Lex, I trust this letter finds you well. Let me just cut to the chase. I don’t know what to do about these fencers in my backyard. They showed up three days ago and they’ve returned each day since. I’m looking at them from my kitchen window right now, and my blood is boiling. … Continue reading Full Creative License
Dearest Mr. Farthington, I write to you because I have too many oxen these days, and I am unable to sell them off. The market has really taken a turn on livestock sales, and I can’t keep taking care of all of them without slowly pawning off my more valuable possessions (a headshot signed by … Continue reading Too Many Oxen