It came past to never or not in the eyes of the big one in the sky, but that didn’t quite do it anyhow anyway, now did it? Oh, no. You can’t get away that easy around here, mister.
“Where do you keep your rat tippers?” “I keep my rat tippers with my cow flippers, in the back-right corner of the pantry next to the party fixins. Why do you ask?” “I really need something to get these rats off my case, especially because of this ingrown toenail I have. I can’t risk being … Continue reading Rat Tippers
What are we melting here when all the cheese has been stolen anyway? We need a common enemy, or at least someone to complain about while we try out new galoshes in the mucky weather. As long as our common enemy has some kind of cheese stash, I can absolutely get behind verbal torture, like … Continue reading Our Common Enemy
A cold little crouton prefers to be somewhat frozen over being baked into a melange of messes, and I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve had to dignify these oddball questions with suitable responses. I mean, half of my time has been spent trying to describe a heron’s flight patterns to preschoolers, and … Continue reading Monument to Salad
Hounding the rose garden with a turnip-snouted affair could lead to regret as long as you flub up the orders coming in at a mile a minute. If you bring out the best of the vichyssoise for our esteemed colleague on the day of his daughter’s wedding, I’d say you’ll have plenty of opportunities to … Continue reading His Granting of Favors
Something is amiss in this situation, like a dog without a bone or a dog who just buried one and forgot where it even went. Now our friend Fido will go around digging up holes in all the neighbors’ yards without any prize at the end of his grimy toenails. He’ll still be satisfied from … Continue reading Our Friend Fido
Sticking a smock in a smoke-filled sauna sounds so silly to me when I think of it, and I’d rather shell out some simoleons to Miss Sandy for a liberty steak any day of the week.
Throw the counsel to the primates, the primitive speculative kind of people that would lean to a window and spew all their feelings like bleating little lambs. Have a porta john installed in your backyard as a prank against the logic of a man askew from wisdom. Put the plank of a parrot in your … Continue reading A Nice Hand
The robin sits on the branch, perfectly still. It’s puffed up, conserving its energy on the chilled November afternoon, contemplating the stars that it can’t yet see. Then it takes off for another tree, to continue its watch from a different vantage, perhaps triangulating its experience as nearby squirrels chirp and scratch at each other … Continue reading Complete the Circuit
Before nightfall, gather wood for, at the very least, a rip-roarin’ fire that will last through daybreak. No sense in freezing if we still have blood flowing through our veins. Just don’t get anything too green, or the smoke will howl with the dying breaths of those we burn tonight.
Bent over the hovering stairway’s landing, I crawl through my own ignorance just to convince myself that stairs are meant for climbing. I go one step at a time, a novice unsure of proper footing and without a handrail. I dare not look behind me at the infinite darkness beckoning me, “Just fall, I’ll catch … Continue reading A Novice Unsure
Being in the glen of otherworldly struggle boggles the mind to new heights never explored by our kind. Maybe other peoples have raced to these fresh conclusions before us, but that’s just fancy thinking at this point.
“Marry me,” is all she ever said to the rock next to a hard place. She didn’t actually want to exchange vows with a boulder, she just felt like expressing herself to someone who wouldn’t get carried away with reception planning and chicken dancing, like the traditions of her mother and mother’s mother (you get … Continue reading You Get the Picture
Stem the flow of tawdry shipmates until someone is drowning in a case of PBR, unaware that they could have just had water instead. Hobbling through a brook of crystal clarity can only unveil so much character within a single person, especially if they’re alone and it’s dark outside. There could be a little cliché … Continue reading Such Claptrap
Sell the time short of a dozen eggs or so, maybe even short of a dozen egos if you really want to delve into it. I don’t have any suppositions to be made about our cosmic lifeblood, conscious or otherwise, but I wouldn’t hold it against you if you decided to speak up about your … Continue reading Short of a Dozen