I say, that was quite the stimulating conversation. Let’s have another in due time, shall we? Myes, that would be lovely. Quite lovely indeed, though I do wonder as to the suspicious nature of your scarf. I hate to say it, but your scarf appears to be made of live pigeons. Oh, that’s on purpose? … Continue reading Shall We? Myes
I heard a jumbled tango champion stumble on a feathered turtle, and judging from my confusion, I had quite a bit to reflect upon. It felt like a schizoid fragrance, but I hadn’t come to my senses until it was too late to tell– No matter, we all do what we wanna do and let … Continue reading A Schizoid Fragrance
Taking a test really only means that you have the pilgrims to thank for your present state of malaise. Merit-based systems come about as a means for overcompensation for the lack of otherwise sensual behavior that would be prized by our species’ most relevant ancestors (you know, the few dozen individuals who managed to survive … Continue reading You Have the Pilgrims
My time has been taken up by too many random memories drifting past like an onion ring through a garbage disposal in the chancellor’s maid’s footservant’s second kitchen sink. Though the circumstances may unfortunately account for wind resistance, there can be no mistake: our glorified patterns for unconventional squeegee methods can only remain in vogue … Continue reading Remain in Vogue for a Time
It would seem as though all of everything may be seen by a significant portion of the population for any number of seasons and reasons. I can’t quite explain why, though I can hem and haw for a while until you start ignoring me. I can filibuster with the best of them when I absolutely … Continue reading Hem and Haw
The spacious is wasted on the species built for Spanish Inquisitions.
The fakest thing I ever saw was a walnut tree built for seventeen hard-pressed warriors on their way to a chili cook-off in Prague. Disguised to uproot and follow the horde on plastic root-looking legs, it swayed unconvincingly whilst doing so.
Underwhelmed by the chocolate cookie cutter worship, I changed my trajectory to watch the stage coach’s clip across the land our fathers’ fathers’ fathers found with our mothers’ mothers’ mothers. There’s quite the history of in-breeding in this family tree, you see.
Failing to recognize my own brilliance, I tossed every one of my ideas in the dumpster behind my apartment building. Ten minutes later, while stewing in my own existential dross, I realized that ideas don’t necessarily mean anything until they reach the right people. I jotted a note for passers-by: “Free ideas for world peace, … Continue reading Living” in Large Print
Through the grace of your face, I slobber all day without relief; I find that my buckets have all filled with saliva at a hearty pace, and if I’m to continue my vigil, I must enlist the assistance of a local youth who may, if I provide enough funding to guarantee a profit for this … Continue reading Local Bucket Emporium
Donate a pigeon to the Learning to Fly Foundation today, before our birds all take to the sea in the search for more plentiful food. There’s no way a pigeon would ever dip under the surface, even if all the other birds were doing it. Each flighted creature donated to our foundation will do wonders … Continue reading Not These Feathered Friends
The pooch punted a kitten past the fence in its own original way, almost as if to say: “Hey, you’re not my cat and I don’t care for you very much.” Of course, this pooch didn’t comprehend the grave danger associated with punting this particular cat. Any other local feline would make a perfectly fine … Continue reading (Mitsy). Mitsy
I picked a fight with the wrong inter-dimensional being today — I didn’t know whether he was coming or going.
Who put the imperial control under Farken’s watch? I understand that he could use some ego boosting, but come on! Jesus, the man lost seven of his direct reports last week! They weren’t even in battle, he just lost them on a field trip to buy galoshes for those horrendous muddy trenches (that he doesn’t … Continue reading Watch? I Understand
Built upon prepositions and suppositions, this tempestuous piece of evidence provides no clear-cut testimony for future case proceedings. It really just stokes superstition to a raging bonfire of doubt and drunkenness. I can’t, in good conscience, let you walk away with that donut, sir. That’s all I’m trying to say.
I have begun another general collection of work that has been compiling over the past few years. I have thus far chronicled 48 previously-unpublished pieces, all of which I plan to reveal to you, my adorable readers. Since I have been able to get so far ahead of my production goals, I am now also … Continue reading *NEWSFLASH* Real-Life Update
Grasp unhinged oyster shell [razor] scraps, but don’t do it too tightly. Blood in the water will attract any number of predators. Well, any number aside from sharks. I mean, when was the last time you saw a shark in the kitchen sink? I suppose one of those plastic bath toys would closely resemble the … Continue reading [Razor] Scraps
Given the governor’s penchant for making pudding a snack of the ages, I’d say we have a fifty-fifty chance of making it out of the arena alive today. If he sells enough cups of pudding to satiate his royal pocketbook, then we may have a chance to escape without his wrath being rained down upon … Continue reading Alive Today. If
My friends here are penniless, but that doesn’t mean anything to me (aside from the fact that pennies are useless anyway).
A bat named Sancho flew from roof to roof, unaware that the roofs were even there.
What do you aim to provide, if a seventeen year-old kid can do it before you ever even thought of it? There’s no point to it then, wouldn’t you say? I mean, there’s no industry in being a has-been prodigy, ya dig? You either got it or ya don’t. The longer it takes to get … Continue reading You Aim to Provide
And so for the rest of it, what we thought was the train but what we knew was the plane of existence opening before our very eyes, a sea of cauldron-inducing jackals swam in a school of mackerel, awaiting what could only be a hound dog of manly proportions. That’s right, you heard right, a … Continue reading Judge Alongside Thee
In order to explain myself, a croissant must be placed upon my upturned forehead for at least four minutes. Don’t ask why I need this action to transpire, just comply with my request and you will be briefed on my view of how things took such a sharp turn for the worse at Jovie’s funeral … Continue reading At Least Four Minutes. Don’t Ask
Well, well wells well well with wellwater just as well as other well wells welling well with wellwater.
An accomplishment can turn into a sour rattlesnake gargler at the drop of a seventy-five gallon hat, and I’m not too sure if I like them apples.
What we have here is a cycle doomed to repeat itself, to shrink away and outdrink itself every night until it wonders why it drank in the first place. It’s not like life is fun or anything–we have to make the best of it while it’s hanging around, you know? There’s nothing wrong with wanting … Continue reading There, Point
Access the place, that place you’d been a couple times before but never decided to revisit. What’s wrong with that place? Did it offend you in some fundamental way? Did it smell like cheese, knowing full well that you exclusively visit olive-scented establishments? That’s preposterous; a restaurant can’t know why a person dislikes the smell … Continue reading Pigeon Wing Sculpture
There are only so many ways to count your Gretchens as they flow across the gables and valleys and spritzers and hoodwinked masses of goat children (they prefer to be called kids). No matter, your Gretchens will come to a pass and deliver what you believe to be gracious pigmentry and something of an elusive … Continue reading Spritzers and Hoodwinked Masses